Music Monday - P$C

Every good rapper has a crew of less talented rappers that they believe in and vouche for. Eminem has D12, Nelly has St. Lunatics (wait...what Nelly isn't a good rapper), & T.I. has P$C. Now out of all the aforementioned, I'd much rather listen to P$C. Perhaps it's my affinity for ATL, Jawjah but whatever it is, they got some joints. Take a listen.

*Note I also wanted to post "Limelight" and "Set It Out" but the youtube videos were fucked up.

Music Monday - Gucci Mane La Flaire

When Gucci Mane emerged during my undergrad days, he was most definitely an acquired taste. So years later to hear him on the radio, in Chicago no less, was eh surprising to say the least (but then I remembered those niggaz are country too). However, the moment I saw that nigga in a video w/ Mariah Carey, all I could say was "Well Damn". Regardless of how you feel about his lyricism, his drawl, or his beloved ad-libs (Burrr!), I dare you to not nod your head in 5, 4, 3, 2, ...

Music Monday - Comeback Season

Thanks to Columbus 'ol thievin ass, I got a day off. BOW! Not feeling too wordy, but luckily these songs describe how I've been feeling lately. Drake has gone from obscure underdog to much hyped favorite, but it's always great to hear an artist at their hungriest. His 2nd mixtape, "Comeback Season" has a quite a few gems on it. Close your eyes and listen to him shine...

Battle of the Sexes - #whyyoualways

In honor of Hump Day, Wednesdays will be a day to voice your opinion on the opposite sex. Questions, Comments, or if you just generally feel like talkin' shit, hey, feel free to do it here.

One of the songs this year that got the ladies moist and giddy was "Best I Ever Had". I'm pretty confident that most women relished in the following verse: "Sweat pants/hair tied/chillin wit no make-up on/that's when you're the prettiest/hope that you don't take it wrong" (c) Drake. I agree with his sentiment BUT, it most definitely needs some clarification. When he talks about a woman being @ her "prettiest" when she's chillin, dare I say it's less about her appearance and more about her demeanor. A woman's aesthetic beauty is often times her #1 asset and when I think of the time, money & tactics y'all employ to stay on point...Clap for 'em, Clap for 'em (c) Hov. And let's face it, women need their self-esteem tank filled up with compliments everyday and fellas, it would behoove of you to use premium my friend.. That being said, when she is comfortable enough to take off her cool and lay around with those PINK sweatpants and "Just Say No" tee from back in the day, her comfort level is what makes her pretty because we all know how ugly low self-esteem is. HOWEVER, ladies, don't you, e-ver, get to, comfortable. Don't turn into Aunt Jemima as soon as you walk in the door and go searching for that scarf. Don't go from business professional to Cinderella fresh. I'm just saying, #whyyoualways gotta put on your sweatpants and birkenstocks?

Music Monday - Wasted

In an effort to tie myself to my blog again, I'm borrowing something from my favorite social networking site of the moment, Twitter. Music Mondays will consist of new videos, new songs, or just the songs I like to sing (c) Chappelle as Diddy

If the following song wasn't included in your pre-game festivities this summer, #youlie or you were just too fucked up* to remember. Gucci Mane La Flare (Burrr) and good 'ol Algernon (It's Plies Baaaaybay) cooked up some southern friend ignorance that transcends all demographics. From the trap to the suburbs, everyone likes to party. So even if you don't wear tight jeans like the white boys, I'm sure you've been wasted like the white boys...I know I have... DC @ The Park 7/24 <---Well Damn.

*G.P.S.A. (Ghetto Public Service Announcement) - We don't get fucked up no more, we get wasted.

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. IX - What's On Your Resume?

It’s been a long time; we shouldn’t have left you, without some self-help to bless you. I trust that our guide to the bake sale helped you avoid anything other than the freshest pastries this summer. Remember, those public muffins will fuck you up EVERY-TIME, but that pound cake is A OK wit ya boys. We digress…

In these tumultuous economic times its important to bring you’re “A” game and set yourself apart from the proverbial pool of applicants. That means grinding in the office and ensuring your resume shines at all times. This also applies to pursuing that special love interest and/or relationship. I mean, let’s be real, stocks and bonds aren’t the only places where value has severely declined. We want you to stay on your toes, you know, just in case there is an unexpected career change...”Got a new bitch, now you Jennifer Aniston” © Kanye West. So in order to keep yourself relevant and revered, my colleague and I have some tips to help you craft a stellar relationship resume that will launch you from spreadsheet slut to professional pimpage in no time.

Objective - Ladies, it’s imperative you clearly define what you want or otherwise you will be placed into someone else's mold for you. I don't know if you were THAT kid, but uh the square peg doesn’t fit in the round hole. The sad reality is many women looking for careers submit resumes worthy of temp jobs and back office work; and once you get relegated to the back office you ain’t ever getting any face time with the clients. You're officially a paper pusher or as my colleague so eloquently put it, a spreadsheet slut. So we implore you, say what you mean and mean what you say because we all know closed mouths don’t get fed!

Education - As much as we would love for you to have your MBA and JD (#shoutout to Claire Huxtable), sometimes common sense, quick thinking and the ability to do the math are quite sufficient! At the end of the day, every man wants a chick with some substance, but when you continually try to use chess moves in a game of checkers, you clearly ain't reading from the right play book (and you definitely don’t want to get Tim Tebow’d out chea). Common sense is vital in the cruel world of make ups to break ups. If you don’t believe what we have to say about all that extra book learning, just ask Condoleezza Rice the last time she tasted that “sweet meat” © Plies…don’t worry we’ll wait! Don’t become too smart for your own damn good, that’s all we’re saying. Because while a man may want his mind enlightened, I guarantee he also wants to go dumb on those cakes…Tell me when to go!

Experience - When being compared against a group of qualified candidates, the value of your “experience” will make the difference between a corner office and the mailroom. Experience should give your potential employer an indication of whether you can perform the job to the best of your ability, NOTHING MORE. Far too often we receive resumes from applicants who can’t seem to keep a good job or are content with “bouncing from gig to gig”. Don’t get it twisted though, experience is most definitely relative and too much will get your resume shredded before it hits the desk. There’s no shame in working your way up to the top, but if your name is hot in the streets like the new Madden we have no choice but to leave you in the lobby with the secretary, D’Enda Mydik and see to it that you are promptly escorted off the premises.

References - As much as employers don’t like to have to second guess your work history, sometimes references are necessary to call upon. Ladies, take it from us, we can perform a background check in a matter of minutes (it’s simple as a text) for the free so you might as well be straight up from the jump. It’s nothing sadder than hearing from a prior employer how you tried to embezzle money or inappropriately use the company credit card, or worst of all, habitually offering those atrocious public muffins around the office in the morning. Keep a clean slate and end your working relationship on good terms, it’ll take you far young Jedi’s.

Remember update early and often. You never know when the time will come for you to show what you bring to the table. Next time, Vol. X – BOW! BOW!

You Ain't Got To Save Mine, I Want It NOW

If you don't know where the title came from, nigga, die. Naw, but seriously, it's a quotable from the Earthy & Black "snap-don't-clap" classic Love Jones. This post in actuality has NOTHING to do with the movie, but follow me and I'll bring it all full circle...leggo!

My blogs generally come from my vast random thoughts, but with Twitter I don't have to wait to deposit these thoughts into the mental warehouse that is my blog. I knew the shit was called micro-blogging, but damn, it's proved to be true. That being said, I'm going to start saving the thoughts that can be further expounded upon and get these posts cranking again...YOU-AH!!! (Did anyone ever establish how the hell you spell that sound?)

So check back, I'm out chea.

Brand New Money

It's Monday. If you're like me, this morning you hit snooze enough times to be charged with battery. In that foggy daze, between "sleep" & "awake", I go through my mental Outlook calendar and review what I have to accomplish for the day. These days it involves, projects, application deadlines and ALL that brand new money I have my eye on. Day's almost over now, but the grind is ever present. I'm holding my weight, even if sometimes I need a spotter.

It's Complicated - Friday Funny

Regardless of what is has become, Facebook is a phenomenon that changed the game. Don't get me wrong, it had predecessors: Blackplanet - If you didn't have a page, you were losing. My screen name was...D_ReaLesT. Go ahead, laugh @ me. Shit, I even joined MiGente so I could cover all my bases. In hindsight though, both those sites lacked the most important characteristic that makes something 'a little bit cooler'...exclusivity. Facebook was for college students. JUST college students. You couldn't even sign up without your fuckin' school issued e-mail address. I was perpetually single for the majority of college so it was a great tool to network. I'll leave the words single and network open to your interpretation :-)

Initially, Facebook was the best thing since sliced bread. I was poking, messaging, and friend requesting every PYT I found, but all good things come to an end. This is when I learned one of my first important lessons about women - they mark their territory. Actually, I knew that but that's when I realized something as simple as a "what she wrote on your wall" was enough to turn a chick into The HULK - green with envy; and I definitely didn't like her when she was angry. It no longer mattered what I did when I wasn't being watched b/c being tagged in an album ratted me out worse then T.I.'s bodyguard because it showed explicitly -who I was with, what I wore, where I was, and HOW I dancing!

It's comical now, but Facebook & I have had an interesting almost abusive past. The situations that are top of mind:

1) Someone constructed a fake profile of me with a quite unflattering profile picture (Hint:Bob Marley is normally photographed doing something similar). It said my interests were "playing with women's emotions"....among other things.

2) Ex girl messaging my next girl (luckily, the girl I was f***** @ the time wasn't involved and it didn't turn into a faulty Facebook love triangle) . I still remember getting that call and as I walked out of class, *confused tone* "Uh, Why did ________ send me a Facebook message?". My heart dropped and fell into the sole of my left shoe.

All that being said, I'm still on Facebook. lol I'm hardheaded I know BUT things have changed drastically. There have been entirely too many innovations to list, but most imporantly, most people recognize that "It's JUST Facebook". However, it wouldnt' be right if there wasn't drama over someone's status update, news feed, & new album. I just don't entertain the bullshit anymore, I tweet about it. Check out the video below that pretty much sums it all up. I'm Baaaaack

It All Started With a Grilled Cheese Sammich

I've been absent from my writing post for almost two weeks now. Meanwhile, numerous news worthy events have transpired and gone undocumented on my watch. I should have to turn in my pen and my page should be deactivated. My literary license should be revoked ...yeah right. It's not THAT serious. But what is serious is what I have to say concerning the rest of this year.

As I stood in front of the open refrigerator enjoying the view (it was empty for a few weeks while I was traveling), I suddently had a craving for a grilled cheese sammich. If you've been reading the Self-Help series, you know the signifcance of this delicacy. After I whipped one up and enjoyed all the crunchy cheesiness that eminates from those two pieces of bread, I reflected on my year thus far. I've accomplished goals but I still have miles to go before I sleep [and miles to go before I sleep]. So now that I, well, we are embarking on the second half of '09 you can expect the following:

• No more Hump Day or Friday Funny. I've been thinking of alternative ways of providing consistent writing samples every week and when I come up with them I'll post them (however I'm reserving the right to bring Hump Day back if a new song oozing with sexual innuendo comes out or if I just have the urge to talk my shit)


• Increased dialogue around male/female relations. Candid dialogue. So I'll put the disclaimer out there: I'm not trying put anyone on blast. I write to right the wrongs & sometimes that includes highlighting some personal experiences from friends or even myself. All names will be changed to protect the innocent (and my car, facebook page, & anything of mine that could be vandalized for vindictive purposes)


• Tweetin' : @davedougie...Follow me (as creepy as that sounds)

Stay tuned for more slick talk.

Hump Day - Your Voice

I have writer's block...I don't know why. I'm trying not to force it. I said "Self, just let it flow", but self replies "I'm constipated, mentally". I wanted to say something eloquent & witty about the voice, you know, something like it's an audible identification card. But then I couldn't find the words to stitch it to the next point that if someone is intriguing enough, a conversation should be a dance. In the beginning it's, its like a waltz. Methodical & rigid, initial conversations follow a certain pattern with the goal of building a foundation of knowledge about each other. As you become comfortable, it's more like "freak dancing" (please check out this accurate definition courtesy of urban dictionary). Ideally, you want conversation with the opposite sex to mimic the tango - fluid movement & understanding of the other's person's style. You anticipate their next move and know when to lead & when to follow. Then you know I had to throw in a point alluding to phone sex & some sexual innuendo. But... It just didn't come together like I wanted to. Check out the song, I'll be back with a vengeance next week.

Just Because...

I like a long-haired, thick, red bone... Pass a nigga napkin, por favor

Hump Day - Make It Like It Was

So I've been listening to Pandora all day sans headphones and I must say it's been clutch like the last piece of gum before the pack has been ravaged. I created a cool little station called "Old Soul". The foundation was laid with my favorite 70's group, The Stylistics, and brick by brick this house of soul is being built before my eyes & ears with the help of some other legendary artists. The longer the station plays, the brighter the light of truth shines... our music sucks in comparison to our parent's selection of tunes. What happened to the soul, to the passion, to the QUALITY? The world may never know. But b/c I'm not feeling as verbose today, I'm offering up 3 of my favorites...

Text Me Ba-by, Ba-by...TEXT MEEE! (Think R.Kelly)

So I took a moment yesterday and examined the progression of social communication in my lifetime...It started with getting "The Number". During these years (Middle School - High School) all you had was a land line i.e. house phone. House phone meant that you weren't lingering on the phone for extended periods of time b/c your parents had important "grown folks business" to handle...that is, until the late night hour. We all have held conversations on the phone hoping that one of the two things did NOT happen 1) You hear a faint knock on your door (in my case, it was Mom hatin') tellin you to "Get Off That Phone & Go To Bed" 2) Or the worse option of someone (Mom was still hatin in this deparment) gettin ONTO the phone and askin asking "Who are you talkin to on MY phone this late? Parents get possesive & shit when you make them upset. Sidnote: To every individual who talked so much their parents gave them their OWN line, the epitome of "cool" before you had your own whip, I salute you.

Next, it was AOL Instant Messanger or AIM (High School - College). The crack like addiction to AIM should have been an omen for what text messaging would become. After riding home sweaty & geeked from a "wild" night at the local teen club (hilarious), you'd sign on to AIM which sorta became an afterparty in itself. You know, teenagers doing what they do best, tryna cut something (don't front, its true). Even in my formidable years, I realized the power in words and written game is so much more tangible. I won't even incriminate myself and discuss the benefits of picture sharing & AIM. *Computer Love playing softly in the background* Cellular phones COMPLETELY altered the way the game is played. Sadly, I did not have one before I graduated from high school (Mom was a habitual hater) but my best friend did...And his # was my # when it was necessary. This was the best way to pump fake the parents into thinking you were one place and using the celly to make arrangements so you could go slam dunk something. YOOOUUUU-A! (c) The Dream. And when you became bored of actually talking on your cell phone, then you had thumb fuckin or text sex.

It's evident now though that pseudo talking i.e. texting is the preferred method of communcation. I don't know why it came as such a surprise initially. I mean, everyone wrote notes in their youth. Numerous people find comfort in being able to share thoughts w/o truly (by that I mean audibly) voicing their opinion. The convenience of the text message is undeniable. Don't want to talk, text. Out with the homies but you'd rather be with someone else, text. Out with the homies and you want to make sure you're with someone at the end of the night [AY! (c) Juiceman], text. I will say that there needs to be some text etiquette that comes with every phone (extra rules if you have a QWERTY keyboard) although I won't get into them all on this post. Remember, safe text is great text. Also, in case you didn't know, Bitches love smiley faces (c) Ed Wuncler (The Boondocks). Emoticons, ya know this shit --> :-) :-( ;-P

I digress...The point of this whole post was to say, check out this song "LOL Smiley Face". Yeah I got a bit long winded on this one.

Aside: Be weary of the drunk text, the incriminating text, or the superlongtextthatprobablywillbemisinterpreted.

Hump Day - Girl Tonight

So recently, I've gotten back in the gym. I was sick of paying the "fat tax" as L.A. Fitness gets that good autodraft out of my account whether I get motivated to work out or decide to kick it with Mary Jane, Ben & Jerry. Since I've been waking up sore most mornings I'm constantly reminded how the glory is all about how you look AFTER you have perspired & strained like a bodybuilder on roids. The ends justify the means but aside from the odd sadomasochist sensation that comes from working your muscles, frankly it sucks trying to get right. Thankfully, other "physical" activities are pleasurable from beginning down to the very end. Even though some people don't know how to slow down and participate in the events that "Fore"shadow a rumpus rendezvous, if given proper instruction I'm sure they will learn to appreciate it. The anticipation heightens the experience, b/c sometimes you can't get in that matinee like you'd like to. So you have to rely on those subtle touches & quality hugs until later. Just to bring the point home, make sure you whisper in her like "Girl...tonight".

Friday Funny (on Tuesday) - Can You BELIEVE Reggie Bush wifed Kim?

The Finals are over and I'm lightweight depressed. I mean, seriously, what am I supposed to watch now? Wimbledon!?! It's not the same...although, seeing Serena in all her [thickness]athletic prowess will make up for some of the angst I feel. One of the greatest parts of this NBA post season was the MVP Puppets ads. I love commercials so it's a given that I'd appreciate this, but even someone who was waiting for the game to come back on could get down with these. Here's a parody of one of the commercials.

Hump Day - In the Middle

9 times of 10, my mind is in the middle. No, not in the gutter, but in the middle. You know, the softest place on EarF. It's not b/c I'm a "perv" or a "sexual deviant" (both of which I have been called in a joking manner... LOL ... pardon me, I had to laugh @ that), but because I'm a man and a passionate one at that. I'm an affection advocate, a PDA proponent, & if I <3 you, I'm going to demonstrate this to you every chance I get. Remember, Virginia is for Lovers. That being said, I'm going to let a fellow Virginian break it down for you...

Friday Funny (on Tuesday) - Pause

If you haven't seen the original video of Spectacular in his red boy shorts, schowwy, I'm not puttin' that shit on my page. Truth be told, I promptly turned it off once I realized that he was about to engage in a full fledged danceline-esque routine. You know the internet was/is flamin' (yeah...) hot with the buzz around this shit. The consolation prize that comes with such fuckery is that every controversial moment spawns parody...

Hump Day - Stingy

There's comes a breaking point in any male/female interaction where playing it cool just doesn't work anymore. In the beginning, you can suppress your urge to call & maybe just send a strategic text. You can find other things to occupy your mind in place of that special someone. But there comes a time where you have to say "FCUK IT" and just put it out there. Perhaps like this, *Old school baritone* "You know...I've reached a point where I'm not afraid to say I care. I'm not afraid of the possibilities that love brings. BUT I am afraid...of losing you" Got Dammit, PUT ME IN THE BOOTH AHORA!

T vs A : Ocean's 7

So I got put on yesterday. After doing my dashboard check, I see N.Harlem aka CTB (Chi-Town Bound) had some new music posted. Ocean's 7 = Jermaine Dupri + Johnta Austin + Trey Songz + B.Cox + Nelly + Tyrone & Usher & the song is "So Much Swagg". Aside from the fact that the word "swag" needs to be bronzed and placed on a shelf, I fuck wit the record. Being the Internet surfer and YouTube aficionado I am, I found some more videos from this unlikely compilation of artist. Below is a video where the group engages in the timeless man discussion of tits vs ass. Ladies, if you ever wondered how we sound, this is pretty accurate. Oh & for the record:

ass > tits (C's are optimal but mosquito bites are unacceptable)

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. VIII - The Bakers Dozen: What Are You Offering At Your Bake Sale?

It’s that time of the year where the sun rises early and sets late. It’s hot & humid and women are ready to put their assets on display. Sundresses are hugging curves like an Aston Martin, skirts are hiking up closer to booty meat and fathers everywhere are praying their daughters don’t end up in someone’s “Black Bike Week” expose. From coast to coast, summer love is hitting the air and goodness is being spit all for the sake of those cakes. My colleague and I speak of the cakes quite frequently, however; all cakes are NOT created equal. Gentlemen, when you see that breezie walking down the street be mindful that she may or may not be offering the type of pastries that suit your fancy. Allow us to run down the different varieties of goodies up for grabs these days:

Public Muffins (Scallywag Special) - are being bootlegged 2 for 1 by these fellatious beasts nationwide; @ your local corner store or bodega, out of car trunks, and surprisingly clubs keep a rack of public muffins on deck on any given night during the week (they usually coincide with VIP sections and free champagne). We have to caution you though, these have a useful shelf life of 2-3 weeks and you definitely don’t want to fuck around and get a stale batch! Public muffins are a choice late night snack and usually provide adequate satisfaction after late club nights (when all the higher end establishments have closed up shop for the evening). It is also worth noting that public muffins are easy to obtain with a little direction from your homies, as they all are probably extremely familiar with free samples.

Pound Cake (One Night Only) - Pound cake is a step above public muffins and you crave this treat when you just want to be greedy and smash the whole thing by yourself...Giggity © Glenn Quagmire. This is normally an annual experience whilst royal oats are being sewn, but later in life you can reminisce in your rocking chair about the times you had …”I remember back in the day; Ms. Johnson sure had some good pound cake” And the best thing about pound cake is it pairs well with whatever toppings you enjoy, i.e. cherries, strawberries, chocolate/caramel syrup, & whipped cream. However, at the end of the day it’s still regular ol’ pound cake. It is important to note that while overindulgence might be your aim, this is really not great for your health as pound cake has a crazy way of plaguing you later in your life, especially when you start turning down desserts.

Devil’s Food Cake (Cutty Buddy) – Everything that tastes good, isn’t good for you but when you start to fiend for this, you must have it! Only specialty stores carry this product and even then, some recipes are definitely more satisfying than others. Most consumers remain brand loyal for a few months before deciding they will try something new. Why mess up a good thing? Devil’s Food, although satisfying, comes with parameters. You can’t enjoy it as frequently as you’d like to and someone may be getting slices without your knowledge. Essentially, the cake is not yours to have, but it certainly hits the spot when you have it in your possession. Devil’s Food is always best when it’s moist, so beware of imposters with their low calorie dried out versions. When you really don’t give a fuck, you can always substitute Devil’s Food with Pound Cake. They are usually found on the same aisle and make lovely compliments when kept in proportion.
Caution: May cause migraines, chest pain & fatigue if consumed in excess.

Angel’s Food Cake (Relationship Cutty) – The healthiest of the aforementioned options, however it is so scarce these days. This light and refreshing option is a delicacy and while most enjoyable it’s often hard to find and even harder to make, so beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing; could turn out to be some regular old pound cake with nice toppings…She got angel eyes, with the baby faaaaace, BUT SHE’S A FREAK THOUGH” © T.I. You can enjoy this sweet treat morning, noon, and night and surprisingly enough you will never get tired of it. You also won’t have any of the guilt associated with the previously mentioned baked goods. Angel’s Food Cake is also a great choice to bring to any social gathering or work sponsored event, it’s a sensible selection that will make a great impression on friends and coworkers alike; bring some good Angel Food to Christmas dinner and just see the rave reviews you get on your selection…I’ma take you home 2 my momma (home 2 my momma) © The Dream

So gents remember, as the summer heats up and the bake sales multiply, be realistic about the goodies you will be partaking in; you DO NOT want to be jaded by that Easy Bake beech when you could be enjoying tasty morsels from that top of the line Viking vixen (we hear it does some straaaange thangs). To the sensible women out there we thank you as always for tuning in, and for all you scallywags near and far…”Stay thirsty my friends”

Hump Day - It Seems Like You're Ready

Note : There seems to be something about Wednesdays. I can't seem to get something down unless I do it in the morning. By the afternoon, I have my iPod going, gchat conversations galore & the A.D.D. goes into 5th gear. I'm going to do better. Honest.

"She's ready." Now the origin of this phrase I truly don't know, but it's self explanatory. Although I hear it most frequently among my Southern brethren, the Pied Piper made a song about it long before I knew what it really meant. But for those who still need an explanation, I'll describe a situation: I'm chillin' by the bar at a popular Atlanta club for their Black & White party this past Memorial Day weekend. And when I say "chillin' by the bar", I mean standing shoulder to shoulder in a sea of THIRSTY (literally & figuratively) men & women. As I'm waiting for my bois to place their orders, I feel a palm on my ass and then a healthy squeeze as if it's being checked for ripeness. My head was immediatley on swivel as I try to figure out WHO THE FUCK just violated my personal space (it's sad to say but I live in Atlanta and depending on who it was a fight may have ensued, if you catch my drift). Just when I think the culprit has gotten away like a perverted thief in the night, I lock eyes with a woman who has the most devilish smirk smeared across her face. Her eyes were like a teleprompter and they read "Yeah, it was me". She's ready.

2 smart ass mouths + 1 mic = DAAAAAAMN!

Hump Day - I Know What To Do With It

Females have incredible self-control. Whether its nature or nurture, I truly don't know. However I do know that although we all are human and succumb to our urges & desires, women have a sort of steel resolve. Admirable, yes. Annoying, FUCK YES. Now, there are trifling characters out here, rapscallions if you will, who if given the chance will corrupt your mind & leave you a strung out love fiend. But I don't speak for them. I just speak for myself. However if you are a man of standards with goals, ambition, & a certain je ne sais quoi, I guess I speak for you too. I digress, the point is, am I crazy? or were you giving me the eye? Music awaits...

You Ever Feel Like...

Hump Day - Sweet Escape

FYI: Blogger has fucked this entry up four times and b/c of it I've lost about 40% of the patience I had allotted for the day. But b/c I'm a stickler for detail I had to make sure it was right.

One of the greatest things about <3-ing someone is the solace you find in them. Their voice, their touch, even their scent is comforting when the stench of life's bullshit is ever present. Don't mind me, I'm on my James Todd shit today i.e. I Need Love. But here's a track from 1 of the 2 guys who you can depend on for blue-eyed soul. Even the Arteest's pops had to profess after seeing this live show on HBO, "that's a bad white boi".

Live Version

Album Version

Cruisin' in the ATL

Just some cool shit. The 3 stacks verse randomly popped in my head today, but then I listened and realized that Big Boi & Sleepy Brown contribute equally. This is definitely something to ride to. Windows down, shades on, music loud. This is dedicated to the lover in you...

Can't Stop, Won't Stop

It's my 50th post. Some people would wait until the 100th to recognize a milestone, but I like the # 5 better. Luckily, I still have plenty to say and it would be in your best interest to stay tuned. Cheers!

My prowess with the pen is prolific/ Pompous and Pretentious/So watch me as I feel myself/ Be a little voyeuristic/ I promise it's organic/ Clean and Sheen/ I'm so down to earth / my kicks are green* / My words are blue/ hot as a welder's flame/ I'm earning my stripes like Lebron / making my mark in the game / Lusting for life / Striving for success / I've accepted I may have to lose it all / to be better than the rest / So currently I'm calculating risk / Making plans I will eventually employ / I'm gettin my shit straight /so when I base jump out the window/ my parachute deploys...

*100% Vegan Leather

Friday Funny - Satirical Saint

Not really feeling eloquent today, I'm dealing with a bout of mental constipation. Now if you're easily offended by comedy based around religion, I suggest you don't view the following videos. However, I truly believe HE created all things, including satire. I also believe HE has a sense of humor, a great one at that. If I haven't deterred you yet, check out these sketches done by none other than Aaron McGruder of The Boondocks.

Hump Day - Birthday Sex

There are two undeniable truths about celebrating your birthday:

1) you're going to be drunk. It may be attributed to your own due diligence or it could be friends buying you liquor all night. Gotta love 'em
2) you'd like some sex. you may pass out in the car on the way home, incoherent until the next morning, but you'd like some action. I mean, it's your birthday.

Now normally, I like to develop my own definitions but this one is pretty accurate; Birthday Sex is defined (courtesy of Urban Dictionary) as Obligation-free sex which happens on or around someone's birthday. Usually initiated by the birthday boy/girl's partner, and involving a mix of acts which more favour the birthday boy/girl's preferences. The usual rules of reciprocation and mutual pleasure are temporarily suspended, and the birthday girl/boy is considered free to cum whenever and wherever the fuck they please.

It's your birthday, so I know you want to rI -I -Ide out

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. VII - Just Our Thoughts

“Ms. Codependent / that’s why I loathe herrrrrr / Ms. Codependent / won’t you come and spend some of your diiiimes!”- “Ms. Codependent”, off the Baker’s Dozen LP

Men love women that are independent, sexy, ambitious, pleasant, independent, sensible…did we mention independent? Let’s keep it funky, if Daddy (biological or other) is footing for the bill for your living expenses (Bills and/or Rent)* and you haven’t bought a drink for yourself in the club in over 4 months, you ARE NOT an independent woman! For the record, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the luxury and pampering a lady deserves. However, you becoming undeserving the moment you expect a man to pony up and provide shit you wouldn’t even have without Daddy’s Am Ex. You are stunting your growth as a WOMAN. Can you sustain yourself without codependency on a man? Fellas, please be leery of any woman who owns more than 5 designer bags and has an American Express for which she is not the primary account owner!

[*Note: There is a 2 yr leeway period for women who are pursuing graduate degrees. Times are hard. Credit is not being extended and grants/scholarships aren’t as plentiful. After that grace period though, strap up your bootstraps baby and keep it pushing]

Let your drive and hard work define your swag ladies, not just the tangible end product, because while the superficial may get you the D, the sensible will get you the man attached to it!

This brings us to another related issue: “you may not be a whore, but you are wearing a whores uniform!” Why is it OK for you to accept favorable treatment in the form of free goods and services in addition to preferred entry into establishments for being fine, yet you shun the thought of being objectified for your sexuality? Ladies, this is an oxymoron and confuses the fuck out of men. I’m sure you have a lovely personality and a heart of gold, but if your tittys are poppin out of your turtle neck © Chappelle, you may want to obtain a realistic outlook on why men want to buy you nice things and expensive meals. I consider myself to be a good dude and I ain’t never bought Filet Mignon and fine wine for the sake of “good conversation”. If you want to be respected for your mind and your inner beauty a good place to start is making sure that when you bend over in your skirt that your ass cheeks are not exposed. You should also consider wearing something over those ass-sentuating tights (although Wordsmith really likes those) and covering your breasts from time to time. It’s amazing what can happen when a man is forced to focus his energy on your face instead wanting to poke that supple breast tissue. A pants suit from time to time might work in your favor as well, we like to call that the Claire Huxtable! Shawty is the shit © The Dream

Now, I know a lot of women may read this and be offended that that they have been somehow mislabeled as a scallywag because they don’t pay for drinks in clubs or they use their looks to get material goods… and for all you confused beasts for which this applies let us say: Ladies IT IS OK to refute a man’s attempt to buy you drinks in the club. Shit, if you really want to confuse the nigga, offer to buy his next round. We guarantee you he will see a golden glow around you for the rest of the night! As much as you like that complimentary Moet, best believe I like that Yak for the free (or gratis for all our international subscribers). Its all about reciprocity baby! “Scratch my back, I’ll rub yours, you know a lil massssage or something” (c) Wood, Love Jones. So ladies, next time you step out on the scene, tuck away the twins, pull your skirt down, & hit the ATM… cuz niggas love that drank!

Friday Funny - Niggas

Chris Rock said it best, "I love black people, but I hate niggas". In truth, we don't hate niggas but we do hate their niggery actions in addition to the niggerant stereotypes that they perpetuate through their niggerance. Now even the most sensible black person is guilty of certain transgressions. I can't lie, if I slip into a false sense of security when speaking to my majority co-workers an ebonics-esque statement may make it's way from my brain into my mouth. I always walk away feeling like a smaller version of John Coffee (like the drank). One of my friends, who is also a corporate slave, said that some of his co-workers actually had the audacity to ask him to "speak Ebonics" for them. Yep. 2 snowflakes, one old & one young. WTF? He told them (with a scowl reminiscent of O'Shea Jackson) that "it's not Spanish; it's not a language I can translate into". The black eye witness and the black athelete also make me cringe. I never know what they are going to say until it's too late. Granted, if there is news in the hood, you are going to have to interview a hood nigga. However, the black athlete (and this is top of mind b/c I really wish Derrick Rose was able to articulate the show he put on last night against the Celtics) I mean, don't those guys have PR teams? Do Better! But I'm off my soapbox and I did bring the comedy for you.

This lil' nigga...

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

As I was walking to get some breakfast, I noticed there was a hand sanitizer station set up downstairs in my building due to all the news surrondingSwine Flu. While I rubbed in my complimentary hand sanitizer (I don't want the Pork Flu, shawty) I was thinking, "Damn, how would I know if I was coming down with something?" Youtube is the greatest.

The Minstrel Show

At times, I forget the things I'm privileged (I use that word loosely) to hear first since I live in the South. Observe the niggerance.

Hump Day - Love Ultra

It's self-explanatory.

YOU HURT MY FEELINGS THE MOST!

Despite the title, this entry contains no bitchassness, just the truth. Let me start by saying, I hate feelings [oddly enough, "hate" is a feeling]. I view them as an impediment to clear & logical thought. So, emotions : mind as lisp : speech, in my male opinion. The difficulty lies in the old parental proverb "You can think whatever you want, just watch what comes out of your mouth". Of course, the parentals are usually referring to something disrespectful that teenagers mumble under their breath that warrants a jab to the chest or an object thrown blindly in their direction. In the case of us men though too much emoting is likened to estrogen, which is a direct insult to your manhood. It is taboo to cry unless someone has died or you have suffered blunt force trauma to your testicles. I realize I have omitted some other instances worthy of tears, but the point is unless you are a cry baby (or a woman), tears usually signify you are serious. The tricky part, however, is self-expression.

Females have endless avenues of self-expression because it's a known fact that they emote like Whitney Houston sweats. Men have to exercise a surgical precision when stating what's on their mind. If you say too much, you are being extra. If you sugar-coat it, you are bullshitting. If you yell, you are being crazy. So words must be chosen wisely and tact must be exercised when you speak on a matter. There is increased difficulty when you are discussing matters of the heart. First, let me state for the record that we do have feelings & shit (I added "& shit" b/c without it that statement sounded rather effeminate) . Second, I just wanted to take a quick tally of how many women feel this way:

"I must admit I dont give men credit. I always assume them to be super sexualized beast"

-Female Friend

If you raised your hand in agreement, please slap the woman next to you who had her hand up and vice versa. YEAH! (C) Pastor Troy. It's that assumption that causes the sensible woman (not the scallywag) to immediately have her guard up when she begins dealing with a guy. I mean, we want the cakes, but we're interested in you too... sike. Naw, Naw, seriously, don't assume that's ALL a man wants from you until you discuss it. If the nigga says one thing but ends up lying in the end, well... he's a super sexualized beast and you just lost one. It's OK. But, back to the feelings.

Women operate in the land of emotion. You are taught to embrace them and utilize them to make your judgements (re: female intuition). When men enter that zone, it's unfamiliar territory. And the deeper you get into this parallel universe of feelings (& shit), the more confusing it becomes. Now even if you've been in love before, it's always a challenge when you realize that once again you have given someone the power to play puppeteer with your heart strings. I've said before that communication is essential in a healthy relationship. Well,

feelings + communication = discussion * feelings = heated debate

heated debate* feelings = dumb argument

You see what feelings do to the equation?

Even the most logical man and sensible woman can end up in CB/RiRi interaction (worst case scenario) based on feelings. But the man faces the greatest challenge in remaining calm yet aggressive, direct yet delicate, and a host of other oxymorons. I mean sure, we could say exactly how we feel but that would end up in one of two scenarios 1) man soundin' like a lil bitch or 2) man hurtin' woman's feelings and makin her cry. Double standards are sometimes necessary and in this case, yes, a man should receive just a lil bit more credit for expressing himself than a woman. (Don't blame me, blame society). At times, self-expression is a tight rope walk. You have to find that balance between being eloquent and emoting.

Hump Day - Keep Up

I'm late. These past two Wednesdays I've been bombarded with thoughts. Writing is normally the catharsis however can you truly purge when you are censoring your thoughts? Did I lose you? Essentially, I had to sort some things out within before what I put out could make sense. If that doesn't make sense, don't worry, I know you came for the music anyway. I digress...

Keeping a relationship fresh and interesting can be difficult. Especially for those with short attention spans and a love for the spice of life, variety. Having a partner that understands this along with the open mind to try new things is the best thing for you. Wait! Before you grab your keys and bolt to Insurrection, you can start simple. What's that? How bout a little game:

WooOOoooOoW (c) Flavor Flav

I live in the land of the gentleman's club i.e. skrip club, shake joint, booty club, etc. etc. Whether or not I've been shall remain unconfirmed, but I will say that those ladies who make enough in crisp ones to pay rent (and furnish their domicile) are Tal-En-Ted. My boi showed me this yesterday and I must say I was astounded. I bet you didn't even know the US Pole Dance Federation existed, did you?! I damn sure didn't. For eveyone celebrating the holiday today, I suggest you watch it again while you, *cough, cough*. Enjoy.

Friday Funny - Friend Zone

Men & Women are different. That's no secret. There comes a crossroad in most male/female relationships where boundaries are set. We all begin as associates, and develop into "friends". However, (when it comes to women) as time goes by you are either classified as a potential suitor or placed (95% w/o being informed) into the infamous friend zone. In the words of an anonymous Southern scholar, "This ain't what you want, hoe".

Hump Day - You Nasty

The day is almost over and while I was doing a Tiger-esque fist pump in my head, I completely forgot that it's Wednesday. Furthermore, I realized I had no tune that really stood out in mind. That being said, today's songs are for those who find no need to beat around the bush and instead, just go in (no pun intended)

Leaders of the New School - Chester French

I feel a sense of ownership when I discover new music. My sodium levels rise when other people gush with glee about a new artist AFTER I've tried to put them on to said music. With that, I first heard this band when I attended the greatest concert of my life*. This unsuspecting white guy walked onto stage, DOLO. No band. No back-up. When he reached the front of the stage he threw up the Star Trak sign in one swift motion and immediately received the same greeting from the crowd. From that moment until the end of their brief, yet entertaining set, he held the crowd's attention. "He" is D.A. & with Max they are collectively known as, Chester French. Outkast + The Beatles + Asher Roth = Chester French. Until recently, there were only a handful of songs available from the band. Then came the mixtape, Jacques Jam Vol 1. -Endurance, which essentially documents their journey from college until now. It has a dizzying list of guest appearances and boasts great music to match. With groups like this we have no choice but to "Love The Future", which coincidentally is the name of the forthcoming album. Here are the two songs that got me hooked and my new favorite. Although, the whole tape is on point. You need that.

*- N*E*R*D/Common - Seeing The Invincible Sounds of Summer Tour was 10/08/08. When it was over, my body felt like a sweaty palm & I needed sleep and an electrolyte replacement beverage. Pharrell worked us all out. Pause. [and might I add, no homo]

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. VI - Don't Pump Fake Me Now

Let us put you on game with to most tried and true move in the fun bag of Scallywag tricks…the illustrious “Pump Fake”. This needs to be addressed to avoid any further infractions. CUT THE FUCKIN SHIT (c) Mr. Turner


"There's a meeting in my bedroom...hey girl, you sleep?" - I, as well as most of my friends, am in favor of a Universal Rule…also track #4 off the Baker’s Dozen LP, “After 2 [am], We Fuckin” There is no logical sense for you to wake up out of peaceful slumber to come over and not offer the freshest of hot cross buns and cakes. If you want to sleep at 2am, let it be known in prior correspondence that sleep is all that you want to do. Let’s make this even more relevant for the ladies…it’s just like when you get mad at a dude for “lying” by omitting information. Flip that and it’s the same principle - you omitted the fact that cakes were not on the menu and yet you persisted in the false pretenses of a bake sale! What’s the difference, we ask? These occurrences can be prevented with open dialogue and communication PRIOR to me hopping in the whip and driving to disappointment! Its not about the sex, really it isn’t…BUT it is about the perception of laying next to someone half booty butt naked and then hearing them start breathing like Darth Vader. Let’s just agree to link up at a more convenient time, deal? I promise said man will understand and he will respect you for not wasting his time and yours.

“She got angel eyes with a baby face…but she a freak though” - Ladies, despite the perception that may be had within circles of females, your world should not be modeled after a “Sex in the City” episode. It is neither attractive nor desirable to wife a serial dater, and you can count yourself a lost cause if you engage in Samantha like behavior! A good job, nice clothes, and immaculate lodging do not preclude you from being labeled as “sloppy with the drawes”. Even the largest cities become small when you have Hester Prynne’s scarlet letter stamped on your lower back (we call that the sweet spot). Self respect in being a hoe is limited to just that, the self. Unfortunately you need cosigners to make it in this thing called life! Hold yourself to some standards, because while you may be sweet as a Georgia Peach, don’t let that parlay into you being “Easy Like Sunday Morning”! Ladies, I would hate for you to block your blessings of the man you really are supposed to be with, all because you smashed three of his homeboys on your walk down the path to discovery! And you def don’t want to be featured on our new reality show “So I Married a Jumpoff”

"Baby, take off your cool…and all that damn foundation” - Look, I truly appreciate the remarkable effort that women put into embodying the diva Beyonce’ made you believe you were. The mani, the pedi, and the eye-brow threading, however I must draw the line somewhere. It’s so unattractive for your “face” to still be on my shirt despite the fact that you are no longer lying on me. There is no reason for there to be a blatant color contrast between your face & neck. B****, that’s not your shade! When men say they don’t like make-up, what we mean is, accentuate the beauty but do not attempt to hide an abomination. You will be fruitless in your harvest. All the Bobbi Brown in the world will not make Lil’ Mama resemble Halle Berry. I know you don’t want to walk past a man and feel like you stepped into Sephora. Well, I don’t want to look at you and assume that you just left MAC with intentions of going to the prom. Tone it down. Less is more. When you try to do too much, you look like a clown…literally and figuratively. And homey don’t play dat.

“I’ve heard of trimming the hedges, but you done scorched the Earth” - A wise man told me that the only hair a woman should have aside from on her head is eye lashes & eye brows. So why is it possible that a woman can have tattoos & piercings and still be walking around with unkempt nether regions? I would think that the pain you experience when you permanently modify your body ranks above a little personal time with you, your esthetician, and your va-jay-jay. When you take off your Vickie and expose your secrets, I shouldn’t need a machete to navigate through your jungle of love. This isn’t Raiders of the Lost Ark and I am not Indiana Jones. Some ladies are leery about the Brazilian, and although that’s preferred, concessions can be made. If the landing strip is more your style, that’s cool too since it serves as a path to the land of cakes & cookies. All roads lead to the treats. The moral of the story is: when you have on your sexy panties, you shouldn’t look like you are trafficking broccoli florets; Chia Cooch = Yuuuuuuck © Pusha T

Until next time, ladies work on some new moves with your pivot foot. Fellas, don’t let the head fake fool ya!

Yours truly, Wordsmith and the Arteest!

Hump Day - Cool My Soup

Aside from the obligatory mannish observation of T&A, one of the first things I notice about a woman is her mouth. By mouth, I'm referring to her teeth & lips. After having endured the ancient medieval torture known as "Braces", you tend to take notice of the pearly whites more than the average person. Then of course there are the lips. Being blessed with a superior set of soup coolers, I have an extreme weakness for a full set of DSLs that have been properly glossed. Granted, I know not every woman was given a mouth like

BUT size is only one factor. The most admirable qualities for a set of lips are softness, kissability [think drinkability] & lack of peach fuzz on the top lip. That being said, I offer you an oldie and a goodie to indulge in...

Kill Yo Self!

I stumbled upon this and had to watch. Algernon and I have a love/hate relationship. The longer you watch this clip, take notice of the following ; Your right eye begins to twitch, your lips slowly curl into a disaggreable frown and you will have the need to utter "Hell Naw", "...The Fuck?!" and/or "This Bitch" . Thanks for being true to yourself, you goon.

I Throw My Money on the Flo, Flo, Flo!

I really think this is what started it. By "it" I'm referring to this youtube addiction. And by "this" I'm referring to the greatest rapper missing both of his front teeth, The Notorious B.U.M.

If any popular rapper below the Mason/Dixon line made a song called "I Got This Dick 4 U" and incorporated this guy's hook, I PROMISE it would tear up the airwaves. Shit, it may even be available on iTunes.

Don't You Have A Man?

I'm in/ a swell mood/ or rather swoll mood/ Until she told me that she told dude/ That she'll be back, she's going to the store/ I didn't know she had a boyfriend, so the door/ I pointed her to/ I said, Call me when y'all break up/ I don't fuck nobody bitch/ And never on the Jacob, know what time it is - Andre Benjamin

I have to admit, when I first heard this line, it evoked the screw face. I thought "really, Dre? You are going to refute the offering of cakes simply because she's a foul beast [aka femininus scallywageth]?" But I ushered in '09 with a new sense of responsibility. And that means being sensible for yourself AND for others in certain situations. Recently, I caught the video for "Boyfriend #2" by R.Kelly-in-training, Pleasure P. The song may be new, but the concept is rather old [played] in my opinion. Just listen...

A relationship like any sturdy structure is built upon a foundation. A solid foundation is essential to longevity. If you have a corrupt foundation, what's erected is bound to crumble and I promise you, it will not be a pleasant sight. That being said, can you truly aspire to have a something meaningful with someone who views you as #2?

Aside : TRUST ME, I know it's easier to be #2 and honestly it's a good look, BUT I'm on some different shit. I'm not fuckin up any body's anything. I'm too close to the time where I need to secure a potential bride for karma to get my black ass. No Thanks. Which leads me into my next point

Sometimes you have to be sensible for someone else. Seriously, sweetheart if you don't want to be in a relationship anymore, why don't you just tell him? Barring that nigga is NOT crazy and respects your decision to end the relationship amicably, we can get busy [You know, I'm thinking about bringing "get busy" back. I mean, certain styles re-emerge, why can't slang? *] I know why though, because I'm your escape. He's massah and I'm freedom. He's the restrictive panty hose and the comfortable pair of jeans that you love. But when it's all said and done the REAL question is, what's so different?

Every guy loves to hear, "I don't normally do this, but you're different." However in certain situations, we are thinking:

The only thing that's different is the person who is paying you attention. And not to discount my entire point, but THAT's why being Boyfriend #2 works. I don't have to give you all my attention, which is great because I do not want to give you all my attention. In conjunction, you do you want all my attention b/c you cannot handle it based on your current situation with Boyfriend #1. It's a win-win, but only for the time being. Pretty soon, Boyfriend #1 will no longer be in the picture. And in a situation where Boyfriend #2 is expected to be his successor I must direct you to the words of that pony riding philosopher, Elgin Lumpkin:

Ya Feel Me? If not, this should bring the point home,

*"Doin It" is another phrase that I think should be brought back

Note: To the fellaz, I am in no way passing judgement. The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak. And Real talk, if she tries you more than once, I understand if you have to oblige that cobbler. However, just know that "slip up" (hope it was slippery, at least) may come back to haunt you.

Hump Day - Round 4

Since I missed the Friday Funny, I'm including a double dose of love (lust) today.

Chemistry is undeniable. It's a feeling of connection and understanding. And in some cases it stands the test of time. That "old flame" simply reduces itself to something like candle light. But we all know, it doesn't take much to feed a fire. Here's a personal favorite of mine by an artist who doesn't receive half the credit he deserves...

Speaking of which, we also know what happens when it gets hot...

Feedback on the Self-Help Series

B: son i am reading the blog; "You have mastered the art of mature sexy; tailored pants suit CHECK, mean heel game CHECK, dressed appropriately for the weather CHECK"

i saw a chick in the city today outside the courthouse

the way she was dressed was so perfect i had to speak

i was coming out the courthouse

Wordsmith: YES! that's when you know its on point. like, 'baby i dont even wanna holla I just had to speak to you"

B: exactly

i was just like excuse me i just had to tell you that you look amazing

and just kept it moving

and the kicker? she was appreciative

Wordsmith: that's the thing. its a fine line between complimentary black man and thirsty ass nigga
lol
LET ME CROSS THAT LINE, dont assume I'm about to do the stanky leg all over that shit immediately

B: lmao yeah

just let me admire the work you put in to look like a dream i wish i could have twice

Hump Day - Round 3

I have a vivid imagination and a photographic memory. Seeing the sounds that come across through a great song is what music is all about. The first time I heard this song, I had some visions that weren't even appropriate for Skinemax. I would have to recruit Mr. Cheeks to direct my full feature and this would serve as the score....

Friday Funny - Back in Day...

Childhood is truly a remarkable part of life. The innocence [or ignorance] of your impressionable mind is tainted everytime you are met with one of life's undeniable truths. It's like a drop of die in a glass of water, it only takes ONE drop to ruin it. Wait...that's kind of depressing but it was profound...I digress (I'm obviously feeling myself). I said all that to say, remember the days when your parents shielded you from the truth? When certain words were spelled out in your presence in fear of you catching on? When Santa* brought gifts and the Stork brought babies? Well, our kids won't even get the comfort of a lil white lie about how Daddy " was not hurting mommy last night" or how great your their "art" is. Why? Well, it's not because of the internet or the fact that kids nowadays know entirely too much about sex...There's a new product on the market...

*My father told me from jump there was no Santa. No fat white man was gettin credit for the gifts he broke bread on. I was made to keep this information from my other cousins who believed in that ho ho ho ass nigga, St. Nick

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. V - Ode to the Sensible

In our quest to enlighten the sensible woman and the scallywag, my colleague and I had the realization that we may have fallen short in countering the negatives with the positives. That’s not cool. Lo Siento. We want to enlighten, inspire, and invigorate the wimmens. So in order to write our wrongs, we decided to dedicate this installment to the Sensible Sexy women of the world. We know Ne-Yo is currently smitten over Miss Independent, but we’ll take Queen Sensible any day of the week. This one is for the breezy* and not the smeezie*.

Cheers 2 U Sensible Sexy Woman:

• Your bra and panties ALWAYS match. And even if it’s not the same set per se, the color schemes are on point. With you, I’m pleased with what you wear in the streets and it’s a treat to see what you got on underneath. [AY! OK! © OJ da Juiceman]
• You can create edible elation with whatever I have in my cabinets, something like a culinary MacGyver. I got bread, cheese, and salsa, and somehow come back with a Ribeye and Crab Oscar
• You have a workout routine for your health and not just to look good for the summer. After a hard workout, you maintain an agreeable glow and somehow you don’t smell like you just ran with a pack of animals.
• Although your dumb ass friends are consistently in your ear, you manage to separate real from fake and don’t let them pollute your mind. Don’t save them, they DO NOT want be saved!
• You embrace and react appropriately to PDA, but don’t feel compelled to relentlessly initiate it.
• You know what it feels like for your feet to hurt, not because you sacrificed practicality for style, but because you've been up all day on your grind. More importantly, you still pass Marcus Graham’s patented foot test! [If you haven’t seen Boomerang, kill yo self]
• You have mastered the subtleties of PDA i.e. the ear nibble, the whisper, the wink, and the lip bite so in the presence of company I can read your mind, I know what you’re thinking…and it’s alright with me (c) Avant
• You may not be in the mood that night [lawry’s] BUT you wake a brother up to early morning hot cakes the next day. Good Mooooornnnninnngggg © John Legend
• When you come over for the holidays you arrive bearing gifts and you leave with a to-go plate that was offered to you.
• You have mastered the art of mature sexy; tailored pants suit CHECK, mean heel game CHECK, dressed appropriately for the weather CHECK
• You keep arguments and discontent for the privacy of home quarters. You & drama aren’t acquaintances and damn sure ain't friends.
• You can be content with sitting home some evenings while reading a good book that elevates the mind and soul. You have no regrets about missing the club...but you will pick your girl up after she has managed to drink her weight in champagne and Patron all because "He (Trapstar, Entertainer, Baller, Random Trickin' Ass nigga) was buying".
• And most importantly…
  You know that a grilled cheese is made best with 2 slices of American cheese, slightly blackened & complimented with a side of tomato bisque.

*Breezy [Bree-zee] - A woman of exceptional beauty who possesses most qualities a man is looking for; Derived from her pleasant nature which is comforting as a “warm breeze”
*Smeezie [Smee-zee] - A combination of smut and sleezy; Fellatious woman; femininus scallywageth

Hump Day - Round 2

It's always that one song on the album that you wish was longer. It's so good you know its worthy of one more verse. Here are two songs that immediately come to mind, Something New & Something Classic...

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. IV - You Forgot Something...

Most men gather all their belongings before they leave a woman's residence AND would be salty if they left something behind. So men, have you ever walked back into your place and noticed one of the following items: a hair clip/tie, earrings, watch, ring, and/or random article of clothing? Did you immediately think, "You came with these things. These are not gifts...take this shit with you!" If this has happened to you, you've been marked...by the beast, the foul beast, femininus scallywageth.

Ladies, we understand there are certain things that are inadvertently left over a man's house after sleeping over. However, similar to literature, there is a symbolic meaning to the items most often "misplaced" in man's domicile:

1. Panties - Without uttering a word, you have told said man that he owns your goodies. Not to happy about this? Yeah. I'm sure your kitten isn't happy with no coverage in the dead of winter either...we're just saying


2. Watch - The D has fucked up your sense of time and space


3. Earrings - There is an audio sensor in these so she can hear your conversations; be extra leery if she leaves large hoop earrings. I've seen some wild things in the James Bond movies and I believe something like this sparked the Cold War.


4. Rings - My mama and daddy had a ring incident once. She got a lifetime commitment and he will never be the same again (c) Ghostface Killah f/ Carl Thomas

Moral of the Story: If you come over with $300 worth of accessories and only leave with $150, you are exhibiting some scallywag tendencies. [If you come with $150 worth of accessories and leave with more, you may need a lawyer b/c charges are pending IMMEJIATELY (c) Bernice Mac.

Aside: This also begs the question of why don't y'all leave anything that has a purpose? Money on the GA Power/Pepco bill, grilled cheese sammich, perhaps some studs I could rock (no homo). That being said, shout outs to the high maintenance female who is careless about her belongings. In this instance her expensive taste can you work in your favor; Get those shiny items APPRAISED BY A PROFESSIONAL. You could be sitting on a great look and be so oblivious. Now negativity can turn into something positive:

*smirking* "You know, I just want to thank you for your generosity"-Man

*stank face* "Negro, what you tombout?" -Woman

*pointing to the floor* "You see these Gucci slippers? Well, you helped make that dream a reality baby. Check my footwoork. -Man

Friday Funny - Vol. 1

I <3 youtube. It's a sick addiction. It's also contagious because my friends send me clips due to my apprecation for the randomness. So every Friday, I'm going to share some of my video favs. Here is Phonte, 1/2 of Little Brother, speakin on the Chris Brown situation.

Leaders of the New School - Kid Cudi

"I would play my stuff for everybody and my peoples would give me feedback. They'd say, 'Yo, why your shit sound so different?' like it's a bad thing and I'd be like 'Why Not...Nigga haha' "
- Kid Cudi

The the best way to describe Cleveland native, Kid Cudi (pronounced Cuh-Dee), is well, different. He's coming from left field but that doesn't mean he's coming with any less force. Signed on under Kanye's label, G.O.O.D. Music, he is sure to make things happen with Mr. West's support. I think it's best that you just listen. Here are a few of my favs from the mixtape, 'A Kid Named Cudi":

Hump Day - Round 1

Who doesn't love a good slow jam? So every Wednesday, I'll be providing the soundtrack for the day dedicated to cookies, cakes, & cutty. Giggity.

...The Fuck?! - Random Thought of the Day

Curse words are colorful and expressive & I <3 them. I know they say that "if you are intelligent, you'd find a better way to express yourself." Hmmm, how bout:

Sometimes cuss words just fit better. The emotion you feel is so strong that they are exactly what you need to say to release that frustration. I bet you if AI could have dropped the F bomb a few times this press conference would have been even shorter:

Life & Death...

The word "ambigram" is new to me but this one in particular is one of my favorites. It kind of reminds me that death is a part of life; it's the circle of the life, etc. etc. I wouldn't be a hip-hop fan without recognizing the death of The Notorious B.I.G. At the time, I wasn't even a teenager but I just realized he was only 24. Damn. I'm 24 and I have so much more to do. Here's a Biggie classic, remixed in a different way. Close your eyes, open your ears. Chea...

But on the lighter note, Happy 25th to my brother, The Arteest! The Doughboys, Bakerz Dozen. They aint' ready...

Get Out Of My Head...

Have you heard a song and thought back to a conversation you had with a friend like, "Yo! We were just talking about that!" Well, here it is. Don't judge me or my friends. Cus we like them and they like us too (I'm good on midgets and retards tho) ...

The Sassy Girl

I got this idea from Mr Socially Active, I thought I'd put my spin on it...

We've all engaged in a"What's Your Type?" conversation. And I truly don't have a type. I love women in all varieties, flavors, shapes, & sizes. However, if I had a type, it would be the "sassy girl".

Note: The "sassy girl" is not the "bitch", however when pushed to the negative end of the spectrum she can be a bitch, but what women can't?

The Sassy Girl is the one with the slick mouth. She's direct. She's intelligent. She's confident. She's fiery. What may come off as "mean" to others is just a defense mechanism in my eyes. She's only acting that way to weed out the real from the fake. I'm drawn to it b/c in a battle of wits, I need my opponent to be armed; I fight fair. Once you secure her trust though, she is sweet as icing [and I'm not talking about that whipped shit, I'm talking that old school icing you had on your cake when you turned 5]. Behind that wall of sass, she is big softie. And once she's on your side, she is DOWN *screwed up voice* for you. And although all females are guilty of listening to their dumb. ass. friends (Yeah, I said it) she's the one who will stick up for you the most. She's your legal defender in a room full of judges. She is happy to make you happy. BUT the problem with it is, it usually back fires at some point. Normally, the sass is only used playfully for witty conversation and exchanges. However if she is crossed or angry, then the gift turns into the curse. I swear, you forget how that mouth could have EVER been cute when she starts using that wicked tongue. Anything in excess is bad for your health and a woman with a smart azz mouth will infect you with an acute case of Ikeitis. Use at your own risk...