Let us put you on game with to most tried and true move in the fun bag of Scallywag tricks…the illustrious “Pump Fake”. This needs to be addressed to avoid any further infractions. CUT THE FUCKIN SHIT (c) Mr. Turner
"There's a meeting in my bedroom...hey girl, you sleep?" - I, as well as most of my friends, am in favor of a Universal Rule…also track #4 off the Baker’s Dozen LP, “After 2 [am], We Fuckin” There is no logical sense for you to wake up out of peaceful slumber to come over and not offer the freshest of hot cross buns and cakes. If you want to sleep at 2am, let it be known in prior correspondence that sleep is all that you want to do. Let’s make this even more relevant for the ladies…it’s just like when you get mad at a dude for “lying” by omitting information. Flip that and it’s the same principle - you omitted the fact that cakes were not on the menu and yet you persisted in the false pretenses of a bake sale! What’s the difference, we ask? These occurrences can be prevented with open dialogue and communication PRIOR to me hopping in the whip and driving to disappointment! Its not about the sex, really it isn’t…BUT it is about the perception of laying next to someone half booty butt naked and then hearing them start breathing like Darth Vader. Let’s just agree to link up at a more convenient time, deal? I promise said man will understand and he will respect you for not wasting his time and yours.
“She got angel eyes with a baby face…but she a freak though” - Ladies, despite the perception that may be had within circles of females, your world should not be modeled after a “Sex in the City” episode. It is neither attractive nor desirable to wife a serial dater, and you can count yourself a lost cause if you engage in Samantha like behavior! A good job, nice clothes, and immaculate lodging do not preclude you from being labeled as “sloppy with the drawes”. Even the largest cities become small when you have Hester Prynne’s scarlet letter stamped on your lower back (we call that the sweet spot). Self respect in being a hoe is limited to just that, the self. Unfortunately you need cosigners to make it in this thing called life! Hold yourself to some standards, because while you may be sweet as a Georgia Peach, don’t let that parlay into you being “Easy Like Sunday Morning”! Ladies, I would hate for you to block your blessings of the man you really are supposed to be with, all because you smashed three of his homeboys on your walk down the path to discovery! And you def don’t want to be featured on our new reality show “So I Married a Jumpoff”
"Baby, take off your cool…and all that damn foundation” - Look, I truly appreciate the remarkable effort that women put into embodying the diva Beyonce’ made you believe you were. The mani, the pedi, and the eye-brow threading, however I must draw the line somewhere. It’s so unattractive for your “face” to still be on my shirt despite the fact that you are no longer lying on me. There is no reason for there to be a blatant color contrast between your face & neck. B****, that’s not your shade! When men say they don’t like make-up, what we mean is, accentuate the beauty but do not attempt to hide an abomination. You will be fruitless in your harvest. All the Bobbi Brown in the world will not make Lil’ Mama resemble Halle Berry. I know you don’t want to walk past a man and feel like you stepped into Sephora. Well, I don’t want to look at you and assume that you just left MAC with intentions of going to the prom. Tone it down. Less is more. When you try to do too much, you look like a clown…literally and figuratively. And homey don’t play dat.
“I’ve heard of trimming the hedges, but you done scorched the Earth” - A wise man told me that the only hair a woman should have aside from on her head is eye lashes & eye brows. So why is it possible that a woman can have tattoos & piercings and still be walking around with unkempt nether regions? I would think that the pain you experience when you permanently modify your body ranks above a little personal time with you, your esthetician, and your va-jay-jay. When you take off your Vickie and expose your secrets, I shouldn’t need a machete to navigate through your jungle of love. This isn’t Raiders of the Lost Ark and I am not Indiana Jones. Some ladies are leery about the Brazilian, and although that’s preferred, concessions can be made. If the landing strip is more your style, that’s cool too since it serves as a path to the land of cakes & cookies. All roads lead to the treats. The moral of the story is: when you have on your sexy panties, you shouldn’t look like you are trafficking broccoli florets; Chia Cooch = Yuuuuuuck © Pusha T
Until next time, ladies work on some new moves with your pivot foot. Fellas, don’t let the head fake fool ya!
Yours truly, Wordsmith and the Arteest!
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