Got Options?: My Thoughts on Break-Ups

People change. Plans change. Careers, well they change too. Nothing is everlasting but the Lord, believe that. So when it reaches the point where it's time to find a substitution for your mate, don't be surprised. Let me assure you that you will encounter and experience a variety of relationships before you meet the one that's truly for you. Call me a cynic, but I don't believe in love at first sight. It's hard to assess someones character upon first glance so I know for DAMN sure I'm not going to size up that breezy by the bar and say, "Oh my, she's going to be my wife"...I digress.

[Aside: If you believe in love at first sight, kill yo self]

But keeping with the theme of the series, the ending of a relationship can also be compared to a significant career modification. I thought long and hard about this blog. The public said "I'm looking forward to the next one" and I was even more anxious to bring it to them. What points could I make? What clarity would I bring? What light should I shine on the subject matter? But then it hit me. It's as simple as this: When you resign from your position, you move on. When you break up, you move on. Too often Ex-es teeter on the line of being "together" and "separated". When you get that promotion or transition to a new company: Do you go back to your old office to resume your previous role? Do you expect a paycheck from your former employer? If you do, I truly wonder where your new job is and who it's with....

However, it would be in your best interest to do two things with your previous employer (mate) before you assume your new position:
1) Evaluation
Too often we become engulfed in doing what we think is the right thing and we fall short of greatness. You will never be able to see yourself the way others do so soliciting feedback is a good idea. The reality is, people will despise your characters flaws yet they wait until its too late to inform you of your shortcomings. It ends friendships, causes communication breakdown in the workplace, but most importantly it ruins relationships. Miscommunication is such a cancer to a healthy bond. The silver lining to this cloud though is the wisdom gained from these dispiriting situations. Take the time to sit down with your former mate (employer) and truly have an adult dialogue about why you aren't together. When I say adult dialogue, I mean no name calling and assassination of character. Just a candid discussion of what it is and what it is not. Be prepared to hear the ugly truth about yourself and know that's its part of your promotion to a better relationship, but most importantly a better you. But in order to have this dialogue you must

2) End on Good Terms
Now this may be a harder task then I make it out to be. It's a Thin Line Between Love and Hate just maybe one of the realest phrases ever uttered. The person you want to _______ (insert colorful euphemism for sex) but call it "making love" is the same person who can press your buttons like a special code for most games on Super Nintendo (I know y'all remember that shit). Before you know it you are cursing at this person with the fervor and gusto of Tony Soprano yet in your mind you are thinking "What the fuck are we arguing about? Shit, I really don't know, but I gotta win this one." ...Maybe it's just me. Love is grand, huh? Similarly, ending on good terms with an employer is ideal. You do not want to burn any bridges. Possessing contacts who speak highly of you regardless of where your career takes you is an invaluable asset.

But even if in the end you and your former "boo" are meant to beef (It isn't a coincidence that there is a song called "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do") like Shaq vs. Kobe, 50 Cent vs. Game, or Omorosa vs. Wendy Williams (please watch this shit http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/showbiz/2008/07/23/sbt.omarosa.smack.cnn) try to be cordial long enough with one another to have these conversations.

[playing "Happy" by N*E*R*D ]

Got Values? A Job vs A Career - More of My Thoughts on Relationships

In my previous blog, I compared having a job vs. a career mindset concerning relationships. To expound upon my earlier points, I'd like to extend my metaphor even further. So now I offer a list of core principles that should be embodied in any real relationship, just as every corporation has core values that a career-minded employee should follow.

ARTICULATE –Disagreements happen and accepting that simple fact will aid in resolving problems expeditiously. Do not suppress your thoughts and feelings because you are apprehensive about a possible tiff or altercation. Numerous companies believe in 360° feedback. This provides employer and employee a chance to voice their respective opinions on what is going on. Feedback is not criticism, it's the truth. When you "fuck up" your boss does not want to fire you. However, he/she would like you to stop fucking up ASAP. As people, we have strengths and opportunities for improvement. Weakness implies that these characteristics cannot be changed and that they are permanent character flaws. Keep the communication lines open and let your mate know they can express their true feelings to you. The more proverbial "shit" you hold back is just more shit that will hit the fan one day. The truth hurts sometimes, but it shall set you free.

APPRECIATE-Contrary to popular belief no one, male or female, can read minds. So say "thank you"; it goes a long way. View the things your mate does for you and to you as perks. Take pleasure in giving pleasure. As long as the reciprocal nature is present in the both of you, ideally you won't have to worry about receiving the "non-love". There is a saying in the corporate world that goes, "You are rewarded for doing good work with more work". Similarly, in a relationship be careful about spoiling your mate if you have no intention of continuing to give so freely. It's natural that the more one gets, the more they expect. The more they expect, the less appreciative they become. The less appreciative they become, the more ungrateful they seem and perception is reality. When you become too comfortable, you may begin saying things that begin with "Why don't you…" and end with "like you used to". This is a sure sign that trouble is ahead.

DELEGATE/DICTATE-A woman wants you to lay down the law. Not in that Ike Turner, eatthecakeAnnaMae kind of way, but most women just want to ride shotgun and know you are the captain. She has no problem being the co-pilot and is completely capable of taking the reins; however she does enjoy having minimal responsibility. Leaders are always necessary. There is a chain of command at any establishment to keep the flow of information efficient. Even though the CFO operates at a higher level than an analyst, both roles are crucial for a corporation to operate at an optimal level. It's one thing to treat your women like your queen; it's another to treat her like the queen. Women have a tendency of saying things that might imply they want to make decisions…but they don't mean that. What they mean is, "Listen better, learn what I like, and you won't have to ask". Gentlemen, I know it's confusing but they speak a foreign language unbeknown to us and it's called 'Vagina'. (The search is still on for the 'Vagina' Rosetta Stone)

VENTILATE-Men & women love the chase. More so, don't be fooled into thinking that the chase is over once you're in a relationship. So even if it seems that your mate can't get enough of you, WAKE UP! © School Daze…because you're dreaming. Everyone needs some "me" time. Equally, the most diligent and focused individual needs a work/life balance. You don't want to be engulfed in your career and have no substance outside of the office. Be sure to take a break as you're climbing that corporate ladder. Career or relationship, you have to let it breathe! Step back so you can approach it with a fresh perspective. Anything in excess is detrimental to your health, so be easy.

Got Benefits? A Job vs A Career - My Thoughts on Relationships

I’m an advocate for truth so let’s be real, relationships are like employment. There is a vacant spot in your life that needs to be filled and you search for the best candidate whose skill set meets your requirements. Regardless if you are accepting applications or applying for a position, there are two types of employment: a job and a career. The determining factor behind whether you want a job or a career is the dedication and sacrifice you are willing to exhibit in your work.

The “job” mentality in a relationship is: what can you do for me? This type of relationship is bound to be short lived because it has no substance, just like a dead end job. You don’t respect your employer (mate) and little do they know, you are applying for new positions everyday (on the prowl for a new playmate). This job (relationship) isn’t anything extraordinary; it’s just something (someone) to do in the interim. You show up late and leave early. Pretty soon, even the weekly consolation of a check doesn’t outweigh the monotony of it all. Similarly, the carnal pleasures of life won’t sustain a real relationship and you’re back where you started, accepting applications.

Then there’s the “career” frame of mind. The key distinction between a job and a career is longevity. Just as you ascend the corporate ladder rung by rung, a healthy relationship goes through stages as you work towards the final plateau of a serious commitment.

In the article, A Job Vs. A Career: Deciding What You Really Need, Cynthia McMahon says that a career, “provides opportunities for advancement, allows you to challenge yourself and nurture your personal growth, and provides intrinsic satisfaction with what you do”. The same can be said for a real relationship. As you grow with your mate, you become more aware of your character flaws which can reveal themselves at the most inopportune moments. Self actualization is the intrinsic growth of what is already in you. Challenge yourself to change, not for your mate, but for you. Realize that becoming a better person will lend itself to all your different positions in life. Improving yourself will advance your status at work and in your relationship.

Another essential aspect of healthy relationship is the concept of being invaluable. There are numerous goals that need to be met in your employer’s corporation (your mate’s life). To establish yourself in the corporation, you must demonstrate a passion that no one can imitate or challenge because otherwise, you’re dispensable. A relationship (career) is a commitment to a goal. You will have bad days and you will face challenges, but nothing in this world worth having is easy to maintain. When it comes to reaching an objective, don’t manage the metric, manage the process. Stay on your career (relationship) path and expect the inevitable obstructions. Just have the stick-to-itiveness to work through your issues. Having a real relationship (career) requires some overtime every now and then.