Thursday, May 28, 2009

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. VIII - The Bakers Dozen: What Are You Offering At Your Bake Sale?


It’s that time of the year where the sun rises early and sets late. It’s hot & humid and women are ready to put their assets on display. Sundresses are hugging curves like an Aston Martin, skirts are hiking up closer to booty meat and fathers everywhere are praying their daughters don’t end up in someone’s “Black Bike Week” expose. From coast to coast, summer love is hitting the air and goodness is being spit all for the sake of those cakes. My colleague and I speak of the cakes quite frequently, however; all cakes are NOT created equal. Gentlemen, when you see that breezie walking down the street be mindful that she may or may not be offering the type of pastries that suit your fancy. Allow us to run down the different varieties of goodies up for grabs these days:

Public Muffins (Scallywag Special) - are being bootlegged 2 for 1 by these fellatious beasts nationwide; @ your local corner store or bodega, out of car trunks, and surprisingly clubs keep a rack of public muffins on deck on any given night during the week (they usually coincide with VIP sections and free champagne). We have to caution you though, these have a useful shelf life of 2-3 weeks and you definitely don’t want to fuck around and get a stale batch! Public muffins are a choice late night snack and usually provide adequate satisfaction after late club nights (when all the higher end establishments have closed up shop for the evening). It is also worth noting that public muffins are easy to obtain with a little direction from your homies, as they all are probably extremely familiar with free samples.

Pound Cake (One Night Only) - Pound cake is a step above public muffins and you crave this treat when you just want to be greedy and smash the whole thing by yourself...Giggity © Glenn Quagmire. This is normally an annual experience whilst royal oats are being sewn, but later in life you can reminisce in your rocking chair about the times you had …”I remember back in the day; Ms. Johnson sure had some good pound cake” And the best thing about pound cake is it pairs well with whatever toppings you enjoy, i.e. cherries, strawberries, chocolate/caramel syrup, & whipped cream. However, at the end of the day it’s still regular ol’ pound cake. It is important to note that while overindulgence might be your aim, this is really not great for your health as pound cake has a crazy way of plaguing you later in your life, especially when you start turning down desserts.

Devil’s Food Cake (Cutty Buddy) – Everything that tastes good, isn’t good for you but when you start to fiend for this, you must have it! Only specialty stores carry this product and even then, some recipes are definitely more satisfying than others. Most consumers remain brand loyal for a few months before deciding they will try something new. Why mess up a good thing? Devil’s Food, although satisfying, comes with parameters. You can’t enjoy it as frequently as you’d like to and someone may be getting slices without your knowledge. Essentially, the cake is not yours to have, but it certainly hits the spot when you have it in your possession. Devil’s Food is always best when it’s moist, so beware of imposters with their low calorie dried out versions. When you really don’t give a fuck, you can always substitute Devil’s Food with Pound Cake. They are usually found on the same aisle and make lovely compliments when kept in proportion.
Caution: May cause migraines, chest pain & fatigue if consumed in excess.

Angel’s Food Cake (Relationship Cutty) – The healthiest of the aforementioned options, however it is so scarce these days. This light and refreshing option is a delicacy and while most enjoyable it’s often hard to find and even harder to make, so beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing; could turn out to be some regular old pound cake with nice toppings…She got angel eyes, with the baby faaaaace, BUT SHE’S A FREAK THOUGH” © T.I. You can enjoy this sweet treat morning, noon, and night and surprisingly enough you will never get tired of it. You also won’t have any of the guilt associated with the previously mentioned baked goods. Angel’s Food Cake is also a great choice to bring to any social gathering or work sponsored event, it’s a sensible selection that will make a great impression on friends and coworkers alike; bring some good Angel Food to Christmas dinner and just see the rave reviews you get on your selection…I’ma take you home 2 my momma (home 2 my momma) © The Dream

So gents remember, as the summer heats up and the bake sales multiply, be realistic about the goodies you will be partaking in; you DO NOT want to be jaded by that Easy Bake beech when you could be enjoying tasty morsels from that top of the line Viking vixen (we hear it does some straaaange thangs). To the sensible women out there we thank you as always for tuning in, and for all you scallywags near and far…”Stay thirsty my friends”

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Hump Day - It Seems Like You're Ready

Note : There seems to be something about Wednesdays. I can't seem to get something down unless I do it in the morning. By the afternoon, I have my iPod going, gchat conversations galore & the A.D.D. goes into 5th gear. I'm going to do better. Honest.

"She's ready." Now the origin of this phrase I truly don't know, but it's self explanatory. Although I hear it most frequently among my Southern brethren, the Pied Piper made a song about it long before I knew what it really meant. But for those who still need an explanation, I'll describe a situation: I'm chillin' by the bar at a popular Atlanta club for their Black & White party this past Memorial Day weekend. And when I say "chillin' by the bar", I mean standing shoulder to shoulder in a sea of THIRSTY (literally & figuratively) men & women. As I'm waiting for my bois to place their orders, I feel a palm on my ass and then a healthy squeeze as if it's being checked for ripeness. My head was immediatley on swivel as I try to figure out WHO THE FUCK just violated my personal space (it's sad to say but I live in Atlanta and depending on who it was a fight may have ensued, if you catch my drift). Just when I think the culprit has gotten away like a perverted thief in the night, I lock eyes with a woman who has the most devilish smirk smeared across her face. Her eyes were like a teleprompter and they read "Yeah, it was me". She's ready.

Friday, May 22, 2009

2 smart ass mouths + 1 mic = DAAAAAAMN!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Hump Day - I Know What To Do With It

Females have incredible self-control. Whether its nature or nurture, I truly don't know. However I do know that although we all are human and succumb to our urges & desires, women have a sort of steel resolve. Admirable, yes. Annoying, FUCK YES. Now, there are trifling characters out here, rapscallions if you will, who if given the chance will corrupt your mind & leave you a strung out love fiend. But I don't speak for them. I just speak for myself. However if you are a man of standards with goals, ambition, & a certain je ne sais quoi, I guess I speak for you too. I digress, the point is, am I crazy? or were you giving me the eye? Music awaits...


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

You Ever Feel Like...

Hump Day - Sweet Escape

FYI: Blogger has fucked this entry up four times and b/c of it I've lost about 40% of the patience I had allotted for the day. But b/c I'm a stickler for detail I had to make sure it was right.

One of the greatest things about <3-ing someone is the solace you find in them. Their voice, their touch, even their scent is comforting when the stench of life's bullshit is ever present. Don't mind me, I'm on my James Todd shit today i.e. I Need Love. But here's a track from 1 of the 2 guys who you can depend on for blue-eyed soul. Even the Arteest's pops had to profess after seeing this live show on HBO, "that's a bad white boi".


Live Version


Album Version

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Cruisin' in the ATL

Just some cool shit. The 3 stacks verse randomly popped in my head today, but then I listened and realized that Big Boi & Sleepy Brown contribute equally. This is definitely something to ride to. Windows down, shades on, music loud. This is dedicated to the lover in you...


Friday, May 8, 2009

Can't Stop, Won't Stop


It's my 50th post. Some people would wait until the 100th to recognize a milestone, but I like the # 5 better. Luckily, I still have plenty to say and it would be in your best interest to stay tuned. Cheers!

My prowess with the pen is prolific/ Pompous and Pretentious/So watch me as I feel myself/ Be a little voyeuristic/ I promise it's organic/ Clean and Sheen/ I'm so down to earth / my kicks are green* / My words are blue/ hot as a welder's flame/ I'm earning my stripes like Lebron / making my mark in the game / Lusting for life / Striving for success / I've accepted I may have to lose it all / to be better than the rest / So currently I'm calculating risk / Making plans I will eventually employ / I'm gettin my shit straight /so when I base jump out the window/ my parachute deploys...

*100% Vegan Leather

Friday Funny - Satirical Saint

Not really feeling eloquent today, I'm dealing with a bout of mental constipation. Now if you're easily offended by comedy based around religion, I suggest you don't view the following videos. However, I truly believe HE created all things, including satire. I also believe HE has a sense of humor, a great one at that. If I haven't deterred you yet, check out these sketches done by none other than Aaron McGruder of The Boondocks.


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Hump Day - Birthday Sex

There are two undeniable truths about celebrating your birthday:

1) you're going to be drunk. It may be attributed to your own due diligence or it could be friends buying you liquor all night. Gotta love 'em
2) you'd like some sex. you may pass out in the car on the way home, incoherent until the next morning, but you'd like some action. I mean, it's your birthday.

Now normally, I like to develop my own definitions but this one is pretty accurate; Birthday Sex is defined (courtesy of Urban Dictionary) as Obligation-free sex which happens on or around someone's birthday. Usually initiated by the birthday boy/girl's partner, and involving a mix of acts which more favour the birthday boy/girl's preferences. The usual rules of reciprocation and mutual pleasure are temporarily suspended, and the birthday girl/boy is considered free to cum whenever and wherever the fuck they please.


It's your birthday, so I know you want to rI -I -Ide out


Friday, May 1, 2009

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. VII - Just Our Thoughts


“Ms. Codependent / that’s why I loathe herrrrrr / Ms. Codependent / won’t you come and spend some of your diiiimes!”- “Ms. Codependent”, off the Baker’s Dozen LP

Men love women that are independent, sexy, ambitious, pleasant, independent, sensible…did we mention independent? Let’s keep it funky, if Daddy (biological or other) is footing for the bill for your living expenses (Bills and/or Rent)* and you haven’t bought a drink for yourself in the club in over 4 months, you ARE NOT an independent woman! For the record, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the luxury and pampering a lady deserves. However, you becoming undeserving the moment you expect a man to pony up and provide shit you wouldn’t even have without Daddy’s Am Ex. You are stunting your growth as a WOMAN. Can you sustain yourself without codependency on a man? Fellas, please be leery of any woman who owns more than 5 designer bags and has an American Express for which she is not the primary account owner!

[*Note: There is a 2 yr leeway period for women who are pursuing graduate degrees. Times are hard. Credit is not being extended and grants/scholarships aren’t as plentiful. After that grace period though, strap up your bootstraps baby and keep it pushing]

Let your drive and hard work define your swag ladies, not just the tangible end product, because while the superficial may get you the D, the sensible will get you the man attached to it!

This brings us to another related issue: “you may not be a whore, but you are wearing a whores uniform!” Why is it OK for you to accept favorable treatment in the form of free goods and services in addition to preferred entry into establishments for being fine, yet you shun the thought of being objectified for your sexuality? Ladies, this is an oxymoron and confuses the fuck out of men. I’m sure you have a lovely personality and a heart of gold, but if your tittys are poppin out of your turtle neck © Chappelle, you may want to obtain a realistic outlook on why men want to buy you nice things and expensive meals. I consider myself to be a good dude and I ain’t never bought Filet Mignon and fine wine for the sake of “good conversation”. If you want to be respected for your mind and your inner beauty a good place to start is making sure that when you bend over in your skirt that your ass cheeks are not exposed. You should also consider wearing something over those ass-sentuating tights (although Wordsmith really likes those) and covering your breasts from time to time. It’s amazing what can happen when a man is forced to focus his energy on your face instead wanting to poke that supple breast tissue. A pants suit from time to time might work in your favor as well, we like to call that the Claire Huxtable! Shawty is the shit © The Dream


Now, I know a lot of women may read this and be offended that that they have been somehow mislabeled as a scallywag because they don’t pay for drinks in clubs or they use their looks to get material goods… and for all you confused beasts for which this applies let us say: Ladies IT IS OK to refute a man’s attempt to buy you drinks in the club. Shit, if you really want to confuse the nigga, offer to buy his next round. We guarantee you he will see a golden glow around you for the rest of the night! As much as you like that complimentary Moet, best believe I like that Yak for the free (or gratis for all our international subscribers). Its all about reciprocity baby! “Scratch my back, I’ll rub yours, you know a lil massssage or something” (c) Wood, Love Jones. So ladies, next time you step out on the scene, tuck away the twins, pull your skirt down, & hit the ATM… cuz niggas love that drank!

Friday Funny - Niggas

Chris Rock said it best, "I love black people, but I hate niggas". In truth, we don't hate niggas but we do hate their niggery actions in addition to the niggerant stereotypes that they perpetuate through their niggerance. Now even the most sensible black person is guilty of certain transgressions. I can't lie, if I slip into a false sense of security when speaking to my majority co-workers an ebonics-esque statement may make it's way from my brain into my mouth. I always walk away feeling like a smaller version of John Coffee (like the drank). One of my friends, who is also a corporate slave, said that some of his co-workers actually had the audacity to ask him to "speak Ebonics" for them. Yep. 2 snowflakes, one old & one young. WTF? He told them (with a scowl reminiscent of O'Shea Jackson) that "it's not Spanish; it's not a language I can translate into". The black eye witness and the black athelete also make me cringe. I never know what they are going to say until it's too late. Granted, if there is news in the hood, you are going to have to interview a hood nigga. However, the black athlete (and this is top of mind b/c I really wish Derrick Rose was able to articulate the show he put on last night against the Celtics) I mean, don't those guys have PR teams? Do Better! But I'm off my soapbox and I did bring the comedy for you.


This lil' nigga...