Ask and Ye Shall Receive

As I was walking to get some breakfast, I noticed there was a hand sanitizer station set up downstairs in my building due to all the news surrondingSwine Flu. While I rubbed in my complimentary hand sanitizer (I don't want the Pork Flu, shawty) I was thinking, "Damn, how would I know if I was coming down with something?" Youtube is the greatest.

The Minstrel Show

At times, I forget the things I'm privileged (I use that word loosely) to hear first since I live in the South. Observe the niggerance.

Hump Day - Love Ultra

It's self-explanatory.

YOU HURT MY FEELINGS THE MOST!

Despite the title, this entry contains no bitchassness, just the truth. Let me start by saying, I hate feelings [oddly enough, "hate" is a feeling]. I view them as an impediment to clear & logical thought. So, emotions : mind as lisp : speech, in my male opinion. The difficulty lies in the old parental proverb "You can think whatever you want, just watch what comes out of your mouth". Of course, the parentals are usually referring to something disrespectful that teenagers mumble under their breath that warrants a jab to the chest or an object thrown blindly in their direction. In the case of us men though too much emoting is likened to estrogen, which is a direct insult to your manhood. It is taboo to cry unless someone has died or you have suffered blunt force trauma to your testicles. I realize I have omitted some other instances worthy of tears, but the point is unless you are a cry baby (or a woman), tears usually signify you are serious. The tricky part, however, is self-expression.

Females have endless avenues of self-expression because it's a known fact that they emote like Whitney Houston sweats. Men have to exercise a surgical precision when stating what's on their mind. If you say too much, you are being extra. If you sugar-coat it, you are bullshitting. If you yell, you are being crazy. So words must be chosen wisely and tact must be exercised when you speak on a matter. There is increased difficulty when you are discussing matters of the heart. First, let me state for the record that we do have feelings & shit (I added "& shit" b/c without it that statement sounded rather effeminate) . Second, I just wanted to take a quick tally of how many women feel this way:

"I must admit I dont give men credit. I always assume them to be super sexualized beast"

-Female Friend

If you raised your hand in agreement, please slap the woman next to you who had her hand up and vice versa. YEAH! (C) Pastor Troy. It's that assumption that causes the sensible woman (not the scallywag) to immediately have her guard up when she begins dealing with a guy. I mean, we want the cakes, but we're interested in you too... sike. Naw, Naw, seriously, don't assume that's ALL a man wants from you until you discuss it. If the nigga says one thing but ends up lying in the end, well... he's a super sexualized beast and you just lost one. It's OK. But, back to the feelings.

Women operate in the land of emotion. You are taught to embrace them and utilize them to make your judgements (re: female intuition). When men enter that zone, it's unfamiliar territory. And the deeper you get into this parallel universe of feelings (& shit), the more confusing it becomes. Now even if you've been in love before, it's always a challenge when you realize that once again you have given someone the power to play puppeteer with your heart strings. I've said before that communication is essential in a healthy relationship. Well,

feelings + communication = discussion * feelings = heated debate

heated debate* feelings = dumb argument

You see what feelings do to the equation?

Even the most logical man and sensible woman can end up in CB/RiRi interaction (worst case scenario) based on feelings. But the man faces the greatest challenge in remaining calm yet aggressive, direct yet delicate, and a host of other oxymorons. I mean sure, we could say exactly how we feel but that would end up in one of two scenarios 1) man soundin' like a lil bitch or 2) man hurtin' woman's feelings and makin her cry. Double standards are sometimes necessary and in this case, yes, a man should receive just a lil bit more credit for expressing himself than a woman. (Don't blame me, blame society). At times, self-expression is a tight rope walk. You have to find that balance between being eloquent and emoting.

Hump Day - Keep Up

I'm late. These past two Wednesdays I've been bombarded with thoughts. Writing is normally the catharsis however can you truly purge when you are censoring your thoughts? Did I lose you? Essentially, I had to sort some things out within before what I put out could make sense. If that doesn't make sense, don't worry, I know you came for the music anyway. I digress...

Keeping a relationship fresh and interesting can be difficult. Especially for those with short attention spans and a love for the spice of life, variety. Having a partner that understands this along with the open mind to try new things is the best thing for you. Wait! Before you grab your keys and bolt to Insurrection, you can start simple. What's that? How bout a little game:

WooOOoooOoW (c) Flavor Flav

I live in the land of the gentleman's club i.e. skrip club, shake joint, booty club, etc. etc. Whether or not I've been shall remain unconfirmed, but I will say that those ladies who make enough in crisp ones to pay rent (and furnish their domicile) are Tal-En-Ted. My boi showed me this yesterday and I must say I was astounded. I bet you didn't even know the US Pole Dance Federation existed, did you?! I damn sure didn't. For eveyone celebrating the holiday today, I suggest you watch it again while you, *cough, cough*. Enjoy.

Friday Funny - Friend Zone

Men & Women are different. That's no secret. There comes a crossroad in most male/female relationships where boundaries are set. We all begin as associates, and develop into "friends". However, (when it comes to women) as time goes by you are either classified as a potential suitor or placed (95% w/o being informed) into the infamous friend zone. In the words of an anonymous Southern scholar, "This ain't what you want, hoe".

Hump Day - You Nasty

The day is almost over and while I was doing a Tiger-esque fist pump in my head, I completely forgot that it's Wednesday. Furthermore, I realized I had no tune that really stood out in mind. That being said, today's songs are for those who find no need to beat around the bush and instead, just go in (no pun intended)

Leaders of the New School - Chester French

I feel a sense of ownership when I discover new music. My sodium levels rise when other people gush with glee about a new artist AFTER I've tried to put them on to said music. With that, I first heard this band when I attended the greatest concert of my life*. This unsuspecting white guy walked onto stage, DOLO. No band. No back-up. When he reached the front of the stage he threw up the Star Trak sign in one swift motion and immediately received the same greeting from the crowd. From that moment until the end of their brief, yet entertaining set, he held the crowd's attention. "He" is D.A. & with Max they are collectively known as, Chester French. Outkast + The Beatles + Asher Roth = Chester French. Until recently, there were only a handful of songs available from the band. Then came the mixtape, Jacques Jam Vol 1. -Endurance, which essentially documents their journey from college until now. It has a dizzying list of guest appearances and boasts great music to match. With groups like this we have no choice but to "Love The Future", which coincidentally is the name of the forthcoming album. Here are the two songs that got me hooked and my new favorite. Although, the whole tape is on point. You need that.

*- N*E*R*D/Common - Seeing The Invincible Sounds of Summer Tour was 10/08/08. When it was over, my body felt like a sweaty palm & I needed sleep and an electrolyte replacement beverage. Pharrell worked us all out. Pause. [and might I add, no homo]

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. VI - Don't Pump Fake Me Now

Let us put you on game with to most tried and true move in the fun bag of Scallywag tricks…the illustrious “Pump Fake”. This needs to be addressed to avoid any further infractions. CUT THE FUCKIN SHIT (c) Mr. Turner


"There's a meeting in my bedroom...hey girl, you sleep?" - I, as well as most of my friends, am in favor of a Universal Rule…also track #4 off the Baker’s Dozen LP, “After 2 [am], We Fuckin” There is no logical sense for you to wake up out of peaceful slumber to come over and not offer the freshest of hot cross buns and cakes. If you want to sleep at 2am, let it be known in prior correspondence that sleep is all that you want to do. Let’s make this even more relevant for the ladies…it’s just like when you get mad at a dude for “lying” by omitting information. Flip that and it’s the same principle - you omitted the fact that cakes were not on the menu and yet you persisted in the false pretenses of a bake sale! What’s the difference, we ask? These occurrences can be prevented with open dialogue and communication PRIOR to me hopping in the whip and driving to disappointment! Its not about the sex, really it isn’t…BUT it is about the perception of laying next to someone half booty butt naked and then hearing them start breathing like Darth Vader. Let’s just agree to link up at a more convenient time, deal? I promise said man will understand and he will respect you for not wasting his time and yours.

“She got angel eyes with a baby face…but she a freak though” - Ladies, despite the perception that may be had within circles of females, your world should not be modeled after a “Sex in the City” episode. It is neither attractive nor desirable to wife a serial dater, and you can count yourself a lost cause if you engage in Samantha like behavior! A good job, nice clothes, and immaculate lodging do not preclude you from being labeled as “sloppy with the drawes”. Even the largest cities become small when you have Hester Prynne’s scarlet letter stamped on your lower back (we call that the sweet spot). Self respect in being a hoe is limited to just that, the self. Unfortunately you need cosigners to make it in this thing called life! Hold yourself to some standards, because while you may be sweet as a Georgia Peach, don’t let that parlay into you being “Easy Like Sunday Morning”! Ladies, I would hate for you to block your blessings of the man you really are supposed to be with, all because you smashed three of his homeboys on your walk down the path to discovery! And you def don’t want to be featured on our new reality show “So I Married a Jumpoff”

"Baby, take off your cool…and all that damn foundation” - Look, I truly appreciate the remarkable effort that women put into embodying the diva Beyonce’ made you believe you were. The mani, the pedi, and the eye-brow threading, however I must draw the line somewhere. It’s so unattractive for your “face” to still be on my shirt despite the fact that you are no longer lying on me. There is no reason for there to be a blatant color contrast between your face & neck. B****, that’s not your shade! When men say they don’t like make-up, what we mean is, accentuate the beauty but do not attempt to hide an abomination. You will be fruitless in your harvest. All the Bobbi Brown in the world will not make Lil’ Mama resemble Halle Berry. I know you don’t want to walk past a man and feel like you stepped into Sephora. Well, I don’t want to look at you and assume that you just left MAC with intentions of going to the prom. Tone it down. Less is more. When you try to do too much, you look like a clown…literally and figuratively. And homey don’t play dat.

“I’ve heard of trimming the hedges, but you done scorched the Earth” - A wise man told me that the only hair a woman should have aside from on her head is eye lashes & eye brows. So why is it possible that a woman can have tattoos & piercings and still be walking around with unkempt nether regions? I would think that the pain you experience when you permanently modify your body ranks above a little personal time with you, your esthetician, and your va-jay-jay. When you take off your Vickie and expose your secrets, I shouldn’t need a machete to navigate through your jungle of love. This isn’t Raiders of the Lost Ark and I am not Indiana Jones. Some ladies are leery about the Brazilian, and although that’s preferred, concessions can be made. If the landing strip is more your style, that’s cool too since it serves as a path to the land of cakes & cookies. All roads lead to the treats. The moral of the story is: when you have on your sexy panties, you shouldn’t look like you are trafficking broccoli florets; Chia Cooch = Yuuuuuuck © Pusha T

Until next time, ladies work on some new moves with your pivot foot. Fellas, don’t let the head fake fool ya!

Yours truly, Wordsmith and the Arteest!

Hump Day - Cool My Soup

Aside from the obligatory mannish observation of T&A, one of the first things I notice about a woman is her mouth. By mouth, I'm referring to her teeth & lips. After having endured the ancient medieval torture known as "Braces", you tend to take notice of the pearly whites more than the average person. Then of course there are the lips. Being blessed with a superior set of soup coolers, I have an extreme weakness for a full set of DSLs that have been properly glossed. Granted, I know not every woman was given a mouth like

BUT size is only one factor. The most admirable qualities for a set of lips are softness, kissability [think drinkability] & lack of peach fuzz on the top lip. That being said, I offer you an oldie and a goodie to indulge in...

Kill Yo Self!

I stumbled upon this and had to watch. Algernon and I have a love/hate relationship. The longer you watch this clip, take notice of the following ; Your right eye begins to twitch, your lips slowly curl into a disaggreable frown and you will have the need to utter "Hell Naw", "...The Fuck?!" and/or "This Bitch" . Thanks for being true to yourself, you goon.

I Throw My Money on the Flo, Flo, Flo!

I really think this is what started it. By "it" I'm referring to this youtube addiction. And by "this" I'm referring to the greatest rapper missing both of his front teeth, The Notorious B.U.M.

If any popular rapper below the Mason/Dixon line made a song called "I Got This Dick 4 U" and incorporated this guy's hook, I PROMISE it would tear up the airwaves. Shit, it may even be available on iTunes.

Don't You Have A Man?

I'm in/ a swell mood/ or rather swoll mood/ Until she told me that she told dude/ That she'll be back, she's going to the store/ I didn't know she had a boyfriend, so the door/ I pointed her to/ I said, Call me when y'all break up/ I don't fuck nobody bitch/ And never on the Jacob, know what time it is - Andre Benjamin

I have to admit, when I first heard this line, it evoked the screw face. I thought "really, Dre? You are going to refute the offering of cakes simply because she's a foul beast [aka femininus scallywageth]?" But I ushered in '09 with a new sense of responsibility. And that means being sensible for yourself AND for others in certain situations. Recently, I caught the video for "Boyfriend #2" by R.Kelly-in-training, Pleasure P. The song may be new, but the concept is rather old [played] in my opinion. Just listen...

A relationship like any sturdy structure is built upon a foundation. A solid foundation is essential to longevity. If you have a corrupt foundation, what's erected is bound to crumble and I promise you, it will not be a pleasant sight. That being said, can you truly aspire to have a something meaningful with someone who views you as #2?

Aside : TRUST ME, I know it's easier to be #2 and honestly it's a good look, BUT I'm on some different shit. I'm not fuckin up any body's anything. I'm too close to the time where I need to secure a potential bride for karma to get my black ass. No Thanks. Which leads me into my next point

Sometimes you have to be sensible for someone else. Seriously, sweetheart if you don't want to be in a relationship anymore, why don't you just tell him? Barring that nigga is NOT crazy and respects your decision to end the relationship amicably, we can get busy [You know, I'm thinking about bringing "get busy" back. I mean, certain styles re-emerge, why can't slang? *] I know why though, because I'm your escape. He's massah and I'm freedom. He's the restrictive panty hose and the comfortable pair of jeans that you love. But when it's all said and done the REAL question is, what's so different?

Every guy loves to hear, "I don't normally do this, but you're different." However in certain situations, we are thinking:

The only thing that's different is the person who is paying you attention. And not to discount my entire point, but THAT's why being Boyfriend #2 works. I don't have to give you all my attention, which is great because I do not want to give you all my attention. In conjunction, you do you want all my attention b/c you cannot handle it based on your current situation with Boyfriend #1. It's a win-win, but only for the time being. Pretty soon, Boyfriend #1 will no longer be in the picture. And in a situation where Boyfriend #2 is expected to be his successor I must direct you to the words of that pony riding philosopher, Elgin Lumpkin:

Ya Feel Me? If not, this should bring the point home,

*"Doin It" is another phrase that I think should be brought back

Note: To the fellaz, I am in no way passing judgement. The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak. And Real talk, if she tries you more than once, I understand if you have to oblige that cobbler. However, just know that "slip up" (hope it was slippery, at least) may come back to haunt you.

Hump Day - Round 4

Since I missed the Friday Funny, I'm including a double dose of love (lust) today.

Chemistry is undeniable. It's a feeling of connection and understanding. And in some cases it stands the test of time. That "old flame" simply reduces itself to something like candle light. But we all know, it doesn't take much to feed a fire. Here's a personal favorite of mine by an artist who doesn't receive half the credit he deserves...

Speaking of which, we also know what happens when it gets hot...