Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. IV - You Forgot Something...

Most men gather all their belongings before they leave a woman's residence AND would be salty if they left something behind. So men, have you ever walked back into your place and noticed one of the following items: a hair clip/tie, earrings, watch, ring, and/or random article of clothing? Did you immediately think, "You came with these things. These are not gifts...take this shit with you!" If this has happened to you, you've been marked...by the beast, the foul beast, femininus scallywageth.

Ladies, we understand there are certain things that are inadvertently left over a man's house after sleeping over. However, similar to literature, there is a symbolic meaning to the items most often "misplaced" in man's domicile:

1. Panties - Without uttering a word, you have told said man that he owns your goodies. Not to happy about this? Yeah. I'm sure your kitten isn't happy with no coverage in the dead of winter either...we're just saying


2. Watch - The D has fucked up your sense of time and space


3. Earrings - There is an audio sensor in these so she can hear your conversations; be extra leery if she leaves large hoop earrings. I've seen some wild things in the James Bond movies and I believe something like this sparked the Cold War.


4. Rings - My mama and daddy had a ring incident once. She got a lifetime commitment and he will never be the same again (c) Ghostface Killah f/ Carl Thomas

Moral of the Story: If you come over with $300 worth of accessories and only leave with $150, you are exhibiting some scallywag tendencies. [If you come with $150 worth of accessories and leave with more, you may need a lawyer b/c charges are pending IMMEJIATELY (c) Bernice Mac.

Aside: This also begs the question of why don't y'all leave anything that has a purpose? Money on the GA Power/Pepco bill, grilled cheese sammich, perhaps some studs I could rock (no homo). That being said, shout outs to the high maintenance female who is careless about her belongings. In this instance her expensive taste can you work in your favor; Get those shiny items APPRAISED BY A PROFESSIONAL. You could be sitting on a great look and be so oblivious. Now negativity can turn into something positive:

*smirking* "You know, I just want to thank you for your generosity"-Man

*stank face* "Negro, what you tombout?" -Woman

*pointing to the floor* "You see these Gucci slippers? Well, you helped make that dream a reality baby. Check my footwoork. -Man