Successful

getting out my dreams /naw / there's some constipation / I need some metamucil / here's the current sum of my situation/ me + dreams UNfulfilled = frustration / I want the type of career / where I need minimal vacation / because everday would be stimulation/ Range truck / scrooge mcduck bucks / life, for me, would all but suck / I'm close to the edge tho / because this cube life is not what's up / I'm my own worst critic / Ebert could do no better / I want more for myself / I want to be the 7th letter / But I have to dumb it down / What a fiasco it is / It's hard to stop the flow / of these creative juices / My mind's salivating / it's hungry, pass me a fork and knife/ On occasion I feel dead like Bernie / like they've Madoff with my life / But I snap back to reality / I shake off the doubt / and tell myself "I'm young, you have plenty of time to see what life is about" / I'm walking on cobble stone / yearning for the pavement / UNrealized growth potential / trying to cultivate it like slaves did / Maybe it's ok I'm near the edge / because I know these wings work / I just haven't tried them / I'm calculating mostly, occasionally knee-jerk /It's time to lean forward/ say "fuck it" and fly / leave the comfort of the nest / and take my place among the stars in the sky/ I'm not asking for much /just happiness & health/ the wealth to do it BIG / 1 wife & 2 kids / but first I have to leap / like success is within reach / then maximize my wing span/ and do the damn thing....

And The Winner Is...

Creativity is King (c) LRG. Last night while watching the Oscars, I had an epiphany or should I say it was confirmed that creativity is also inspiring [in addition to being the complete antithesis of what I do on a daily basis] However, it was nothing like the Grammy’s which during some points I cringed. I watched the E n T i R e thing. My boi made a few observations on the awards and we had a discourse. Someone told me it was blog worthy... My comments in purple

• In comparison to the Grammys, this was total contrast. I don’t usually watch awards shows, but there was NOTHING else to watch. The outfits, the presentation – seemed so much more thought out.

The whole presentation was cool. The way they introduced each category by integrating it with the different aspects of the movie making process. It almost made it like a learning experience. I’m still a NERD at heart so I was eating that up.

• The outfits made me want to do a black tie affair. Everyone looking important and pompous. Even though I can’t see it being “fun,” that’s where I want to be!! I want to throw/attend a party with everyone tuxed out and the girls all elegant, but they still real guhls – gettin down on the flo’ © David Banner. That’s my dream party…

I feel you on the dream party. The soundtrack needs to be 90's music. You also can’t forget that by the end of the night, bow ties would be untied, blazers open, women would have sweated out their hairstyles and some chick is holding her stilletos in her hand...

• My people are still under-represented, and that’s a bit disappointin

Our people are so under-represented it’s not funny but other than Cuba Gooding Jr and Will Smith soft-shoeing a bit (or was it just me?) at least we were represented well by those who were there.

• Angelina Jolie is not that cute. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’d definitely wife her if given the opportunity. But Taraji P. Henson, Beyonce, and Alicia Keys all DWARFED her last night. Maybe that’s my own preferences showing through, but man…those three wimmens? FIRE. So if I was given the choice between People Magazine’s most beautiful woman and the aforementioned trio, I’d pick one of the three.

Real Talk, she was actually cuter back in the day, when she was wilder. But I still would chosen the sisters over her. Don’t forget Halle either.

• Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie – a true Hollywood power couple (both nominated for Best actor/actress)…and the emeralds she was flossing? And he had stone-encrusted cufflinks and studs…

What else can you say about 'em, their certified (c) Kevin Garnett

• Last observation: they should forbid people from clapping until the end of the presentation. They did the tribute to the fallen soldiers, and some people got more claps than others. It’s like dang…was his/her life more important than person before who got NO claps?

That's what happens when you have a audience. At least it wasn't completely rude and someone broke THIS out

Watch more My Video videos on AOL Video

BTW: Slumdog Millionaire really is that deal. Think "City of God", the Indian version. Latika [Freida Pinto] is bad too...

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. II - What Has Your Mama Been Teaching You?

This is the first guest contribution to the site from, The Artist.

Greetings to the masses from the Arteest, yes that’s just how you say it, come with me now. I unlike my more modest counterpart am an expert in the field of relationships, but I do break rules from time to time just to keep it interesting (I kid, I kid).

As a man of the 21st century I will refute the argument that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. However,it will definitely get you an introduction to mom dukes quicker and every nigga gotta eat! Now I make that statement not to get in the proverbial “I wish my woman did this or that” argument, but to reflect on a more pointed idea; a man needs stability just as much as a woman. Furthermore, if a man has a had a strong, positive, black woman in his life prior to meeting you (usually his mother), then 9 times out of 10 he will hold you to a standard that she has set the precedent for. Or in simple terms for the scallywags: my mother worked 9-5, fixed dinner, washed clothes, kept her style impeccable and retired before the age of 60. Ms. Jackson and I sing in unison, “What have YOU done for me lately?”

Now before you go getting all depressed that you will never ever begin to stack up to your man’s mother/aunty/grandma, don’t fret. Here are 6 sure fire ways that you can make consistent strides to riding shotgun in the Batmobile and one day get that Thanksgiving Dinner invite:

1. 
   
   Spontaneity - Everyone loves a lil razzle dazzle (c) Money Mike, here and there and your man is no different. Show up to his job for lunch one day with some vittles, or take him out to eat if you don’t have a culinary disposition. Just a lil something that makes him know you put in the extra effort.


2. 
   
   Be a Team Player - In this day and age, I’ll be the first to say gender roles have become more ambiguous than ever. So with that being said offer to join in…it could be the dishes, laundry, cooking, sex (I kid, I kid), etc. Just show that you are down for the cause.


3. 
   
   Leave the House from Time to Time - There is nothing worse than a woman that is in the house all day with no obvious motive or end goal. At least pump fake us into thinking you are doing something productive!


4. 
   
   Be Honest and Open - Ladies, there is no shame in admitting when you lack a skill set. We all have our opportunities for improvement. But do not, I repeat, do not refuse to even try. Your man probably played organized sports when he was younger and believe me, the nigga that everybody hated on the team was the one that made excuses! Let the obscure become an opportunity, he will defintiely appreciate the efforts of you learning something new, even if you don’t perfect it


5. 
   
   Perfect the Grilled Cheese Sammich (CRITICAL POINT) - Ladies, this might be the most important point I give you. There is something about the way a man’s momma makes a grilled cheese sandwich that conjures up more nostalgic memories than Christmas or his first beat (welllll maybe not the latter but you get my point, lol). You whip up a bomb grilled cheese at 2am after rigorous “team work” and he will love you for life!


6. 
   
   AND FINALLY...Stand By Your Man- I don’t even like country music but Tammy Wynette laid it down with this one. This point almost seems obvious but lets break this one down so it can forever and consistently be broke (don’t know that line, step your movie game up). At the end of the day loyalty is one of the most sacred pacts in the modern world. Its what had the Bulls winning championships in the 90’s, it lifted Berkshire Hathaway to fortune, and it has kept your grandparents together for 50 years even though they claim not to like each other. A good man will always remember someone who was loyal to him, even if ya’ll aren’t together anymore and he will respect you for it. So ladies, when your girlfriends are trash talking their dudes or cursing to the high heavens about “niggas aint shit!”…kindly excuse yourself from the conversation…and then go whip up that grilled cheese :-)

-The Artist

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. I -Participation

Let me begin by saying, I don't consider myself a relationship expert by any means. However, I am quite intriuged with the male/female dynamic and my observations are usually spot on. I'm starting this series to spark open dialogue between the sexes and to give the sensible woman something to think about and to provide the scallywag with some hope. Expect contributions from my friend, The Artist, b/c great minds think alike...I digress.

It's not that men don't enjoy spending "Quality Time" with a woman, but what it truly boils down to is, what activities does she classify as said "QT"? All men can testify that they have been dragged to the mall with a woman and forced to answer some of the most asinine questions. Ex.

"How do you like this color?" -Woman
"It's straight. What's that, pink? -Man
"No. It's salmon." -Woman

"How do I look in this?" -Woman
"You look great! It's fits you perfectly" - Man
"Eh, I dont know. I feel fat. Do I look fat in this?" -Woman

See, The Presidnet feels me. First, God only provided men with the ability to see the colors ROY G BIV. Second, even though women know the answer to their own question before they ask us, we still PARTICIPATE. Men act as the mute sounding board for a woman's thoughts. Brethren, half the time your answer doesn't even matter. She just doesn't want to feel like she's talking to herself. We do it b/c we care though...or possibly for the cakes, either way it comes from a good place. The disconnect comes when its time to do what WE want to do. Dun, dun, dun... Ex.

*searching guide*"The game's on. Yessir"-Man
* aggravated grunt* "No! My show is on." -Woman
*supressing snide remark* "What show would that be?" -Man
*smirking* "Top Model (or Project Runway, etc. etc. etc.) -Woman

"You want a beer?" -Man
"Eww. I dont drink that. " -Woman
"What do you want?" -Man
Do you have any wine?" -Woman

[Aside: If your knowledge of wine only goes as far as knowing if it's "White or Red", STFU and drink the damn beer. ]

Do yourself a favor and don't be close minded. Nothing is more unattactive than a woman who doesn't like something she has never tried. It would be in your best interest to PARTICIPATE when a man asks you to do something. Because if you dont, someone else will.

"You tryna hop on these sticks and play (insert video game title)? -Man

"Sure! How do I play?" -Woman

"You want a beer while I'm up?" -Man

"Yes. Thank you" -Woman

"You want some of these wings?" -Man

"You got ranch?-Woman

"You tryna watch this game? -Man

"Yep! But we have to flip back and forth b/t the pro & college game" -Woman

It's to cool to want to dress like Sarah Jessica and live like Princess Diana (c) Drake, but be a man's homie in addition to being his chick and I PROMISE he'll appreciate it. All we want is a little PARTICIPATION. I mean, isn't it you women that always say, " it's the little things that matter"?

Vaginentine's Day

It's not that I'm against love, but whoever introduced Valentine's Day aka Vaginentine's Day to the world needs to be stoned. I dont even know where to begin due to the disdain I have for such a FARCE of a holiday. First, why is it celebrated? Don't GOOGLE that shit either! Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, even President's Day all have legitimate origins that are known by the general public. If you aren't a woman or a retailer, Vaginentine's Day is not for you. I've had women ask me, "what do you men want for Valentine's Day? My response was, "Vagina".

The main complaint amongst us men is, why is there so much significance placed on this day vs. last week when I showed you how much I care? I especially feel for those unlucky brothers who are involved with a woman who has a birthday in February. I actually know of one chick whose birthday is the 14th...

Ladies, I already know what it's really about. You dont want to be the odd woman out. When you see other females with flowers, candy, & cards, you want to be secure knowing you received presents of your own. You want to gloat about what he did, what he bought you, and where you are going to eat for dinner. MEANWHILE, his motivation for getting you something was about 5-15% SINCERE and 85-95% OBLIGATORY. Dont get me wrong, he cares about about you...but he doesn't give 2 fucks about Vaginentine's Day.

Shouldn't it matter more what your man does for you the other 364 days out of the year? I would think the fact he got you something b/c he was "supposed to" wouldn't make you so damn giddy. What about a bouquet of flowers on a random Wednesday? Or droppin you off at the spa on Saturday morning for a day of pampering just because? Sounds nice, right? Well the easiest way to not get anything from us is to expect something. If that went over your head don't worry, you'll catch it later.

I have an idea...You women can have St. Valentine's Day and we men will take St. Luke's Day (aka Steak & BJ Day) named after the preeminent saint of nastiness and all things mannish, Luther Campbell. I'm just saying...

The Thickness

Over time certain words have been over-used, slutted out if you will, by folks with delusions of grandeur. The word "swag" was completely stripped of all its swagger in '08. All the "haters" should love the attention that they receive. Not to mention the fact that they were able to reinvent themselves after originally being labeled as "player haters". My homegirl approached me the other day with questions that spawned some interesting dialogue as well as exposed another word that has been manipulated for evil purposes far too long...THICK

Lets start with the key points, THICK is

NOT fat

Directly correlated with ass and/or hips

Proportionate weight distribution

All the visual learners out there, direct your attention to Exhibit A:

...Is any elaboration needed on this photo?

Q. Can a woman still be thick w/o a butt [like if she has hips, thighs and a small butt]?
A. If she isn't slim, yes. Thickness is related to shape. More specifically waist down. Curves are essential.

Q. When is a woman no longer thick and becomes voluptuous?
A. Voluptuous is thick on H.G.H. You have CuRvES. However, a higher ass to waist ratio must be present.

Exhibit B:

...Sheesh

I hope that this clears up confusion. I mean, Ladies if I referred to myself as say "tall" you would look at me like

Exactly.
Embrace your shape, whatever it may be. Somebody likes it. But don't go around spreading falsehoods and untruths talkin bout you thick, if truly aren't

Gratuitous pictures of more thickness ensues below:

Boom Chicka Wah Waaaah...