It’s been a long time; we shouldn’t have left you, without some self-help to bless you. I trust that
our guide to the bake sale helped you avoid anything other than the freshest pastries this summer. Remember, those public muffins will fuck you up EVERY-TIME, but that pound cake is A OK wit ya boys. We digress…
In these tumultuous economic times its important to bring you’re “A” game and set yourself apart from the proverbial pool of applicants. That means grinding in the office and ensuring your resume shines at all times. This also applies to pursuing that special love interest and/or relationship. I mean, let’s be real, stocks and bonds aren’t the only places where value has severely declined. We want you to stay on your toes, you know, just in case there is an unexpected career change...”Got a new bitch, now you Jennifer Aniston” © Kanye West. So in order to keep yourself relevant and revered, my colleague and I have some tips to help you craft a stellar relationship resume that will launch you from spreadsheet slut to professional pimpage in no time.
Objective - Ladies, it’s imperative you clearly define what you want or otherwise you will be placed into someone else's mold for you. I don't know if you were THAT kid, but uh the square peg doesn’t fit in the round hole. The sad reality is many women looking for careers submit resumes worthy of temp jobs and back office work; and once you get relegated to the back office you ain’t ever getting any face time with the clients. You're officially a paper pusher or as my colleague so eloquently put it, a spreadsheet slut. So we implore you, say what you mean and mean what you say because we all know closed mouths don’t get fed!
Education - As much as we would love for you to have your MBA and JD (#shoutout to Claire Huxtable), sometimes common sense, quick thinking and the ability to do the math are quite sufficient! At the end of the day, every man wants a chick with some substance, but when you continually try to use chess moves in a game of checkers, you clearly ain't reading from the right play book (and you definitely don’t want to get Tim Tebow’d out chea). Common sense is vital in the cruel world of make ups to break ups. If you don’t believe what we have to say about all that extra book learning, just ask Condoleezza Rice the last time she tasted that “sweet meat” © Plies…don’t worry we’ll wait! Don’t become too smart for your own damn good, that’s all we’re saying. Because while a man may want his mind enlightened, I guarantee he also wants to go dumb on those cakes…Tell me when to go!
Experience - When being compared against a group of qualified candidates, the value of your “experience” will make the difference between a corner office and the mailroom. Experience should give your potential employer an indication of whether you can perform the job to the best of your ability, NOTHING MORE. Far too often we receive resumes from applicants who can’t seem to keep a good job or are content with “bouncing from gig to gig”. Don’t get it twisted though, experience is most definitely relative and too much will get your resume shredded before it hits the desk. There’s no shame in working your way up to the top, but if your name is hot in the streets like the new Madden we have no choice but to leave you in the lobby with the secretary, D’Enda Mydik and see to it that you are promptly escorted off the premises.
References - As much as employers don’t like to have to second guess your work history, sometimes references are necessary to call upon. Ladies, take it from us, we can perform a background check in a matter of minutes (it’s simple as a text) for the free so you might as well be straight up from the jump. It’s nothing sadder than hearing from a prior employer how you tried to embezzle money or inappropriately use the company credit card, or worst of all, habitually offering those atrocious public muffins around the office in the morning. Keep a clean slate and end your working relationship on good terms, it’ll take you far young Jedi’s.
Remember update early and often. You never know when the time will come for you to show what you bring to the table. Next time, Vol. X – BOW! BOW!
