It’s that time of the year where the sun rises early and sets late. It’s hot & humid and women are ready to put their assets on display. Sundresses are hugging curves like an Aston Martin, skirts are hiking up closer to booty meat and fathers everywhere are praying their daughters don’t end up in someone’s “Black Bike Week” expose. From coast to coast, summer love is hitting the air and goodness is being spit all for the sake of those cakes. My colleague and I speak of the cakes quite frequently, however; all cakes are NOT created equal. Gentlemen, when you see that breezie walking down the street be mindful that she may or may not be offering the type of pastries that suit your fancy. Allow us to run down the different varieties of goodies up for grabs these days:
Public Muffins (Scallywag Special) - are being bootlegged 2 for 1 by these fellatious beasts nationwide; @ your local corner store or bodega, out of car trunks, and surprisingly clubs keep a rack of public muffins on deck on any given night during the week (they usually coincide with VIP sections and free champagne). We have to caution you though, these have a useful shelf life of 2-3 weeks and you definitely don’t want to fuck around and get a stale batch! Public muffins are a choice late night snack and usually provide adequate satisfaction after late club nights (when all the higher end establishments have closed up shop for the evening). It is also worth noting that public muffins are easy to obtain with a little direction from your homies, as they all are probably extremely familiar with free samples.
Pound Cake (One Night Only) - Pound cake is a step above public muffins and you crave this treat when you just want to be greedy and smash the whole thing by yourself...Giggity © Glenn Quagmire. This is normally an annual experience whilst royal oats are being sewn, but later in life you can reminisce in your rocking chair about the times you had …”I remember back in the day; Ms. Johnson sure had some good pound cake” And the best thing about pound cake is it pairs well with whatever toppings you enjoy, i.e. cherries, strawberries, chocolate/caramel syrup, & whipped cream. However, at the end of the day it’s still regular ol’ pound cake. It is important to note that while overindulgence might be your aim, this is really not great for your health as pound cake has a crazy way of plaguing you later in your life, especially when you start turning down desserts.
Devil’s Food Cake (Cutty Buddy) – Everything that tastes good, isn’t good for you but when you start to fiend for this, you must have it! Only specialty stores carry this product and even then, some recipes are definitely more satisfying than others. Most consumers remain brand loyal for a few months before deciding they will try something new. Why mess up a good thing? Devil’s Food, although satisfying, comes with parameters. You can’t enjoy it as frequently as you’d like to and someone may be getting slices without your knowledge. Essentially, the cake is not yours to have, but it certainly hits the spot when you have it in your possession. Devil’s Food is always best when it’s moist, so beware of imposters with their low calorie dried out versions. When you really don’t give a fuck, you can always substitute Devil’s Food with Pound Cake. They are usually found on the same aisle and make lovely compliments when kept in proportion.
Caution: May cause migraines, chest pain & fatigue if consumed in excess.
Angel’s Food Cake (Relationship Cutty) – The healthiest of the aforementioned options, however it is so scarce these days. This light and refreshing option is a delicacy and while most enjoyable it’s often hard to find and even harder to make, so beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing; could turn out to be some regular old pound cake with nice toppings…She got angel eyes, with the baby faaaaace, BUT SHE’S A FREAK THOUGH” © T.I. You can enjoy this sweet treat morning, noon, and night and surprisingly enough you will never get tired of it. You also won’t have any of the guilt associated with the previously mentioned baked goods. Angel’s Food Cake is also a great choice to bring to any social gathering or work sponsored event, it’s a sensible selection that will make a great impression on friends and coworkers alike; bring some good Angel Food to Christmas dinner and just see the rave reviews you get on your selection…I’ma take you home 2 my momma (home 2 my momma) © The Dream
So gents remember, as the summer heats up and the bake sales multiply, be realistic about the goodies you will be partaking in; you DO NOT want to be jaded by that Easy Bake beech when you could be enjoying tasty morsels from that top of the line Viking vixen (we hear it does some straaaange thangs). To the sensible women out there we thank you as always for tuning in, and for all you scallywags near and far…”Stay thirsty my friends”
