Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. IX - What's On Your Resume?

It’s been a long time; we shouldn’t have left you, without some self-help to bless you. I trust that our guide to the bake sale helped you avoid anything other than the freshest pastries this summer. Remember, those public muffins will fuck you up EVERY-TIME, but that pound cake is A OK wit ya boys. We digress…

In these tumultuous economic times its important to bring you’re “A” game and set yourself apart from the proverbial pool of applicants. That means grinding in the office and ensuring your resume shines at all times. This also applies to pursuing that special love interest and/or relationship. I mean, let’s be real, stocks and bonds aren’t the only places where value has severely declined. We want you to stay on your toes, you know, just in case there is an unexpected career change...”Got a new bitch, now you Jennifer Aniston” © Kanye West. So in order to keep yourself relevant and revered, my colleague and I have some tips to help you craft a stellar relationship resume that will launch you from spreadsheet slut to professional pimpage in no time.

Objective - Ladies, it’s imperative you clearly define what you want or otherwise you will be placed into someone else's mold for you. I don't know if you were THAT kid, but uh the square peg doesn’t fit in the round hole. The sad reality is many women looking for careers submit resumes worthy of temp jobs and back office work; and once you get relegated to the back office you ain’t ever getting any face time with the clients. You're officially a paper pusher or as my colleague so eloquently put it, a spreadsheet slut. So we implore you, say what you mean and mean what you say because we all know closed mouths don’t get fed!

Education - As much as we would love for you to have your MBA and JD (#shoutout to Claire Huxtable), sometimes common sense, quick thinking and the ability to do the math are quite sufficient! At the end of the day, every man wants a chick with some substance, but when you continually try to use chess moves in a game of checkers, you clearly ain't reading from the right play book (and you definitely don’t want to get Tim Tebow’d out chea). Common sense is vital in the cruel world of make ups to break ups. If you don’t believe what we have to say about all that extra book learning, just ask Condoleezza Rice the last time she tasted that “sweet meat” © Plies…don’t worry we’ll wait! Don’t become too smart for your own damn good, that’s all we’re saying. Because while a man may want his mind enlightened, I guarantee he also wants to go dumb on those cakes…Tell me when to go!

Experience - When being compared against a group of qualified candidates, the value of your “experience” will make the difference between a corner office and the mailroom. Experience should give your potential employer an indication of whether you can perform the job to the best of your ability, NOTHING MORE. Far too often we receive resumes from applicants who can’t seem to keep a good job or are content with “bouncing from gig to gig”. Don’t get it twisted though, experience is most definitely relative and too much will get your resume shredded before it hits the desk. There’s no shame in working your way up to the top, but if your name is hot in the streets like the new Madden we have no choice but to leave you in the lobby with the secretary, D’Enda Mydik and see to it that you are promptly escorted off the premises.

References - As much as employers don’t like to have to second guess your work history, sometimes references are necessary to call upon. Ladies, take it from us, we can perform a background check in a matter of minutes (it’s simple as a text) for the free so you might as well be straight up from the jump. It’s nothing sadder than hearing from a prior employer how you tried to embezzle money or inappropriately use the company credit card, or worst of all, habitually offering those atrocious public muffins around the office in the morning. Keep a clean slate and end your working relationship on good terms, it’ll take you far young Jedi’s.

Remember update early and often. You never know when the time will come for you to show what you bring to the table. Next time, Vol. X – BOW! BOW!

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. VIII - The Bakers Dozen: What Are You Offering At Your Bake Sale?

It’s that time of the year where the sun rises early and sets late. It’s hot & humid and women are ready to put their assets on display. Sundresses are hugging curves like an Aston Martin, skirts are hiking up closer to booty meat and fathers everywhere are praying their daughters don’t end up in someone’s “Black Bike Week” expose. From coast to coast, summer love is hitting the air and goodness is being spit all for the sake of those cakes. My colleague and I speak of the cakes quite frequently, however; all cakes are NOT created equal. Gentlemen, when you see that breezie walking down the street be mindful that she may or may not be offering the type of pastries that suit your fancy. Allow us to run down the different varieties of goodies up for grabs these days:

Public Muffins (Scallywag Special) - are being bootlegged 2 for 1 by these fellatious beasts nationwide; @ your local corner store or bodega, out of car trunks, and surprisingly clubs keep a rack of public muffins on deck on any given night during the week (they usually coincide with VIP sections and free champagne). We have to caution you though, these have a useful shelf life of 2-3 weeks and you definitely don’t want to fuck around and get a stale batch! Public muffins are a choice late night snack and usually provide adequate satisfaction after late club nights (when all the higher end establishments have closed up shop for the evening). It is also worth noting that public muffins are easy to obtain with a little direction from your homies, as they all are probably extremely familiar with free samples.

Pound Cake (One Night Only) - Pound cake is a step above public muffins and you crave this treat when you just want to be greedy and smash the whole thing by yourself...Giggity © Glenn Quagmire. This is normally an annual experience whilst royal oats are being sewn, but later in life you can reminisce in your rocking chair about the times you had …”I remember back in the day; Ms. Johnson sure had some good pound cake” And the best thing about pound cake is it pairs well with whatever toppings you enjoy, i.e. cherries, strawberries, chocolate/caramel syrup, & whipped cream. However, at the end of the day it’s still regular ol’ pound cake. It is important to note that while overindulgence might be your aim, this is really not great for your health as pound cake has a crazy way of plaguing you later in your life, especially when you start turning down desserts.

Devil’s Food Cake (Cutty Buddy) – Everything that tastes good, isn’t good for you but when you start to fiend for this, you must have it! Only specialty stores carry this product and even then, some recipes are definitely more satisfying than others. Most consumers remain brand loyal for a few months before deciding they will try something new. Why mess up a good thing? Devil’s Food, although satisfying, comes with parameters. You can’t enjoy it as frequently as you’d like to and someone may be getting slices without your knowledge. Essentially, the cake is not yours to have, but it certainly hits the spot when you have it in your possession. Devil’s Food is always best when it’s moist, so beware of imposters with their low calorie dried out versions. When you really don’t give a fuck, you can always substitute Devil’s Food with Pound Cake. They are usually found on the same aisle and make lovely compliments when kept in proportion.
Caution: May cause migraines, chest pain & fatigue if consumed in excess.

Angel’s Food Cake (Relationship Cutty) – The healthiest of the aforementioned options, however it is so scarce these days. This light and refreshing option is a delicacy and while most enjoyable it’s often hard to find and even harder to make, so beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing; could turn out to be some regular old pound cake with nice toppings…She got angel eyes, with the baby faaaaace, BUT SHE’S A FREAK THOUGH” © T.I. You can enjoy this sweet treat morning, noon, and night and surprisingly enough you will never get tired of it. You also won’t have any of the guilt associated with the previously mentioned baked goods. Angel’s Food Cake is also a great choice to bring to any social gathering or work sponsored event, it’s a sensible selection that will make a great impression on friends and coworkers alike; bring some good Angel Food to Christmas dinner and just see the rave reviews you get on your selection…I’ma take you home 2 my momma (home 2 my momma) © The Dream

So gents remember, as the summer heats up and the bake sales multiply, be realistic about the goodies you will be partaking in; you DO NOT want to be jaded by that Easy Bake beech when you could be enjoying tasty morsels from that top of the line Viking vixen (we hear it does some straaaange thangs). To the sensible women out there we thank you as always for tuning in, and for all you scallywags near and far…”Stay thirsty my friends”

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. VII - Just Our Thoughts

“Ms. Codependent / that’s why I loathe herrrrrr / Ms. Codependent / won’t you come and spend some of your diiiimes!”- “Ms. Codependent”, off the Baker’s Dozen LP

Men love women that are independent, sexy, ambitious, pleasant, independent, sensible…did we mention independent? Let’s keep it funky, if Daddy (biological or other) is footing for the bill for your living expenses (Bills and/or Rent)* and you haven’t bought a drink for yourself in the club in over 4 months, you ARE NOT an independent woman! For the record, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the luxury and pampering a lady deserves. However, you becoming undeserving the moment you expect a man to pony up and provide shit you wouldn’t even have without Daddy’s Am Ex. You are stunting your growth as a WOMAN. Can you sustain yourself without codependency on a man? Fellas, please be leery of any woman who owns more than 5 designer bags and has an American Express for which she is not the primary account owner!

[*Note: There is a 2 yr leeway period for women who are pursuing graduate degrees. Times are hard. Credit is not being extended and grants/scholarships aren’t as plentiful. After that grace period though, strap up your bootstraps baby and keep it pushing]

Let your drive and hard work define your swag ladies, not just the tangible end product, because while the superficial may get you the D, the sensible will get you the man attached to it!

This brings us to another related issue: “you may not be a whore, but you are wearing a whores uniform!” Why is it OK for you to accept favorable treatment in the form of free goods and services in addition to preferred entry into establishments for being fine, yet you shun the thought of being objectified for your sexuality? Ladies, this is an oxymoron and confuses the fuck out of men. I’m sure you have a lovely personality and a heart of gold, but if your tittys are poppin out of your turtle neck © Chappelle, you may want to obtain a realistic outlook on why men want to buy you nice things and expensive meals. I consider myself to be a good dude and I ain’t never bought Filet Mignon and fine wine for the sake of “good conversation”. If you want to be respected for your mind and your inner beauty a good place to start is making sure that when you bend over in your skirt that your ass cheeks are not exposed. You should also consider wearing something over those ass-sentuating tights (although Wordsmith really likes those) and covering your breasts from time to time. It’s amazing what can happen when a man is forced to focus his energy on your face instead wanting to poke that supple breast tissue. A pants suit from time to time might work in your favor as well, we like to call that the Claire Huxtable! Shawty is the shit © The Dream

Now, I know a lot of women may read this and be offended that that they have been somehow mislabeled as a scallywag because they don’t pay for drinks in clubs or they use their looks to get material goods… and for all you confused beasts for which this applies let us say: Ladies IT IS OK to refute a man’s attempt to buy you drinks in the club. Shit, if you really want to confuse the nigga, offer to buy his next round. We guarantee you he will see a golden glow around you for the rest of the night! As much as you like that complimentary Moet, best believe I like that Yak for the free (or gratis for all our international subscribers). Its all about reciprocity baby! “Scratch my back, I’ll rub yours, you know a lil massssage or something” (c) Wood, Love Jones. So ladies, next time you step out on the scene, tuck away the twins, pull your skirt down, & hit the ATM… cuz niggas love that drank!

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. VI - Don't Pump Fake Me Now

Let us put you on game with to most tried and true move in the fun bag of Scallywag tricks…the illustrious “Pump Fake”. This needs to be addressed to avoid any further infractions. CUT THE FUCKIN SHIT (c) Mr. Turner


"There's a meeting in my bedroom...hey girl, you sleep?" - I, as well as most of my friends, am in favor of a Universal Rule…also track #4 off the Baker’s Dozen LP, “After 2 [am], We Fuckin” There is no logical sense for you to wake up out of peaceful slumber to come over and not offer the freshest of hot cross buns and cakes. If you want to sleep at 2am, let it be known in prior correspondence that sleep is all that you want to do. Let’s make this even more relevant for the ladies…it’s just like when you get mad at a dude for “lying” by omitting information. Flip that and it’s the same principle - you omitted the fact that cakes were not on the menu and yet you persisted in the false pretenses of a bake sale! What’s the difference, we ask? These occurrences can be prevented with open dialogue and communication PRIOR to me hopping in the whip and driving to disappointment! Its not about the sex, really it isn’t…BUT it is about the perception of laying next to someone half booty butt naked and then hearing them start breathing like Darth Vader. Let’s just agree to link up at a more convenient time, deal? I promise said man will understand and he will respect you for not wasting his time and yours.

“She got angel eyes with a baby face…but she a freak though” - Ladies, despite the perception that may be had within circles of females, your world should not be modeled after a “Sex in the City” episode. It is neither attractive nor desirable to wife a serial dater, and you can count yourself a lost cause if you engage in Samantha like behavior! A good job, nice clothes, and immaculate lodging do not preclude you from being labeled as “sloppy with the drawes”. Even the largest cities become small when you have Hester Prynne’s scarlet letter stamped on your lower back (we call that the sweet spot). Self respect in being a hoe is limited to just that, the self. Unfortunately you need cosigners to make it in this thing called life! Hold yourself to some standards, because while you may be sweet as a Georgia Peach, don’t let that parlay into you being “Easy Like Sunday Morning”! Ladies, I would hate for you to block your blessings of the man you really are supposed to be with, all because you smashed three of his homeboys on your walk down the path to discovery! And you def don’t want to be featured on our new reality show “So I Married a Jumpoff”

"Baby, take off your cool…and all that damn foundation” - Look, I truly appreciate the remarkable effort that women put into embodying the diva Beyonce’ made you believe you were. The mani, the pedi, and the eye-brow threading, however I must draw the line somewhere. It’s so unattractive for your “face” to still be on my shirt despite the fact that you are no longer lying on me. There is no reason for there to be a blatant color contrast between your face & neck. B****, that’s not your shade! When men say they don’t like make-up, what we mean is, accentuate the beauty but do not attempt to hide an abomination. You will be fruitless in your harvest. All the Bobbi Brown in the world will not make Lil’ Mama resemble Halle Berry. I know you don’t want to walk past a man and feel like you stepped into Sephora. Well, I don’t want to look at you and assume that you just left MAC with intentions of going to the prom. Tone it down. Less is more. When you try to do too much, you look like a clown…literally and figuratively. And homey don’t play dat.

“I’ve heard of trimming the hedges, but you done scorched the Earth” - A wise man told me that the only hair a woman should have aside from on her head is eye lashes & eye brows. So why is it possible that a woman can have tattoos & piercings and still be walking around with unkempt nether regions? I would think that the pain you experience when you permanently modify your body ranks above a little personal time with you, your esthetician, and your va-jay-jay. When you take off your Vickie and expose your secrets, I shouldn’t need a machete to navigate through your jungle of love. This isn’t Raiders of the Lost Ark and I am not Indiana Jones. Some ladies are leery about the Brazilian, and although that’s preferred, concessions can be made. If the landing strip is more your style, that’s cool too since it serves as a path to the land of cakes & cookies. All roads lead to the treats. The moral of the story is: when you have on your sexy panties, you shouldn’t look like you are trafficking broccoli florets; Chia Cooch = Yuuuuuuck © Pusha T

Until next time, ladies work on some new moves with your pivot foot. Fellas, don’t let the head fake fool ya!

Yours truly, Wordsmith and the Arteest!

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. V - Ode to the Sensible

In our quest to enlighten the sensible woman and the scallywag, my colleague and I had the realization that we may have fallen short in countering the negatives with the positives. That’s not cool. Lo Siento. We want to enlighten, inspire, and invigorate the wimmens. So in order to write our wrongs, we decided to dedicate this installment to the Sensible Sexy women of the world. We know Ne-Yo is currently smitten over Miss Independent, but we’ll take Queen Sensible any day of the week. This one is for the breezy* and not the smeezie*.

Cheers 2 U Sensible Sexy Woman:

• Your bra and panties ALWAYS match. And even if it’s not the same set per se, the color schemes are on point. With you, I’m pleased with what you wear in the streets and it’s a treat to see what you got on underneath. [AY! OK! © OJ da Juiceman]
• You can create edible elation with whatever I have in my cabinets, something like a culinary MacGyver. I got bread, cheese, and salsa, and somehow come back with a Ribeye and Crab Oscar
• You have a workout routine for your health and not just to look good for the summer. After a hard workout, you maintain an agreeable glow and somehow you don’t smell like you just ran with a pack of animals.
• Although your dumb ass friends are consistently in your ear, you manage to separate real from fake and don’t let them pollute your mind. Don’t save them, they DO NOT want be saved!
• You embrace and react appropriately to PDA, but don’t feel compelled to relentlessly initiate it.
• You know what it feels like for your feet to hurt, not because you sacrificed practicality for style, but because you've been up all day on your grind. More importantly, you still pass Marcus Graham’s patented foot test! [If you haven’t seen Boomerang, kill yo self]
• You have mastered the subtleties of PDA i.e. the ear nibble, the whisper, the wink, and the lip bite so in the presence of company I can read your mind, I know what you’re thinking…and it’s alright with me (c) Avant
• You may not be in the mood that night [lawry’s] BUT you wake a brother up to early morning hot cakes the next day. Good Mooooornnnninnngggg © John Legend
• When you come over for the holidays you arrive bearing gifts and you leave with a to-go plate that was offered to you.
• You have mastered the art of mature sexy; tailored pants suit CHECK, mean heel game CHECK, dressed appropriately for the weather CHECK
• You keep arguments and discontent for the privacy of home quarters. You & drama aren’t acquaintances and damn sure ain't friends.
• You can be content with sitting home some evenings while reading a good book that elevates the mind and soul. You have no regrets about missing the club...but you will pick your girl up after she has managed to drink her weight in champagne and Patron all because "He (Trapstar, Entertainer, Baller, Random Trickin' Ass nigga) was buying".
• And most importantly…
  You know that a grilled cheese is made best with 2 slices of American cheese, slightly blackened & complimented with a side of tomato bisque.

*Breezy [Bree-zee] - A woman of exceptional beauty who possesses most qualities a man is looking for; Derived from her pleasant nature which is comforting as a “warm breeze”
*Smeezie [Smee-zee] - A combination of smut and sleezy; Fellatious woman; femininus scallywageth

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. IV - You Forgot Something...

Most men gather all their belongings before they leave a woman's residence AND would be salty if they left something behind. So men, have you ever walked back into your place and noticed one of the following items: a hair clip/tie, earrings, watch, ring, and/or random article of clothing? Did you immediately think, "You came with these things. These are not gifts...take this shit with you!" If this has happened to you, you've been marked...by the beast, the foul beast, femininus scallywageth.

Ladies, we understand there are certain things that are inadvertently left over a man's house after sleeping over. However, similar to literature, there is a symbolic meaning to the items most often "misplaced" in man's domicile:

1. Panties - Without uttering a word, you have told said man that he owns your goodies. Not to happy about this? Yeah. I'm sure your kitten isn't happy with no coverage in the dead of winter either...we're just saying


2. Watch - The D has fucked up your sense of time and space


3. Earrings - There is an audio sensor in these so she can hear your conversations; be extra leery if she leaves large hoop earrings. I've seen some wild things in the James Bond movies and I believe something like this sparked the Cold War.


4. Rings - My mama and daddy had a ring incident once. She got a lifetime commitment and he will never be the same again (c) Ghostface Killah f/ Carl Thomas

Moral of the Story: If you come over with $300 worth of accessories and only leave with $150, you are exhibiting some scallywag tendencies. [If you come with $150 worth of accessories and leave with more, you may need a lawyer b/c charges are pending IMMEJIATELY (c) Bernice Mac.

Aside: This also begs the question of why don't y'all leave anything that has a purpose? Money on the GA Power/Pepco bill, grilled cheese sammich, perhaps some studs I could rock (no homo). That being said, shout outs to the high maintenance female who is careless about her belongings. In this instance her expensive taste can you work in your favor; Get those shiny items APPRAISED BY A PROFESSIONAL. You could be sitting on a great look and be so oblivious. Now negativity can turn into something positive:

*smirking* "You know, I just want to thank you for your generosity"-Man

*stank face* "Negro, what you tombout?" -Woman

*pointing to the floor* "You see these Gucci slippers? Well, you helped make that dream a reality baby. Check my footwoork. -Man

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. III - You Might Be a Scallywag If...

"She who layeth with dogs, reapeth the fleas of discontent and self loathing. She holds onto fleeting fantasies of Dior and Louis V fancy while stunting her own self growth and fiscal attractiveness. She is a beast that is a danger to herself and ones most close; known throughout lands near & far she is 'femininus scallywageth' " - Ancient African Proverb

So while thinking of our next dose of self help, we decided that we may have put the cart before the proverbial horse. You may be asking, “Wordsmith & Arteest, how can I tell if I exhibit scallywag tendencies?” Excellent question! To help you do your self assessment we have created a 20 question frame of reference just so you know which camp to align with. With the help of this questionnaire, you’ll be on the road to self discovery and recovery in no time. Without further ado, we present ”You might be a Scallywag if…”

1. If you know AND sing all the words to ‘My Neck, My Back’, ‘Buss It Baby’ (actually ANY Plies song), & ‘Bust It Open’
2. If you "take trips out of town" but never come back with any souvenirs or pictures. Just sore legs and the need to get your hair re-done
3. If you are adamant about "only drinking champagne in VIP", but you did not put in on the section
4. If your "man" asks you not to share his name with your friends
5. If you have more than 5 credit cards and only 1 bank account
6. If your knowledge of wine only spans as far as "Red or White", yet you always ask for wine
7. If your boyfriend does not live with you, pays NaN bill, or support his own kids, yet you insist your daughter/son call him 'Daddy'
8. If you have ever lost a job because your manager was "hatin"
9. If you strip to go to pay for Medical/Dental/Pharmacy school, BUT have never applied for a grant or fellowship
10. If your lip gloss is "poppin'!"
11. If you feel the need to drop it, shake it, and/or bust it open at a moment’s notice
12. If you've ever cussed out a cashier over anything under $1
13. If you've made an excuse for Chris Brown’s innocence
14. If your "Chicken Soup for the Soul" comes from a Beyonce, Keisha Cole, and/or Mary J. Blige song
15. If you think that you can be an event planner b/c you made the cupcakes and "jungle juice" for your homegirl’s baby shower
16. If you know more about celebrity gossip than current events
17. If you think talking louder than everyone else makes your point valid
18. If you truly believe all your man problems are b/c "niggaz ain't shit"
19. If your tattoos have NO meaning and are larger than most men
20. If "skeet" has become a term of endearment between you and your man
    
    

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. II - What Has Your Mama Been Teaching You?

This is the first guest contribution to the site from, The Artist.

Greetings to the masses from the Arteest, yes that’s just how you say it, come with me now. I unlike my more modest counterpart am an expert in the field of relationships, but I do break rules from time to time just to keep it interesting (I kid, I kid).

As a man of the 21st century I will refute the argument that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. However,it will definitely get you an introduction to mom dukes quicker and every nigga gotta eat! Now I make that statement not to get in the proverbial “I wish my woman did this or that” argument, but to reflect on a more pointed idea; a man needs stability just as much as a woman. Furthermore, if a man has a had a strong, positive, black woman in his life prior to meeting you (usually his mother), then 9 times out of 10 he will hold you to a standard that she has set the precedent for. Or in simple terms for the scallywags: my mother worked 9-5, fixed dinner, washed clothes, kept her style impeccable and retired before the age of 60. Ms. Jackson and I sing in unison, “What have YOU done for me lately?”

Now before you go getting all depressed that you will never ever begin to stack up to your man’s mother/aunty/grandma, don’t fret. Here are 6 sure fire ways that you can make consistent strides to riding shotgun in the Batmobile and one day get that Thanksgiving Dinner invite:

1. 
   
   Spontaneity - Everyone loves a lil razzle dazzle (c) Money Mike, here and there and your man is no different. Show up to his job for lunch one day with some vittles, or take him out to eat if you don’t have a culinary disposition. Just a lil something that makes him know you put in the extra effort.


2. 
   
   Be a Team Player - In this day and age, I’ll be the first to say gender roles have become more ambiguous than ever. So with that being said offer to join in…it could be the dishes, laundry, cooking, sex (I kid, I kid), etc. Just show that you are down for the cause.


3. 
   
   Leave the House from Time to Time - There is nothing worse than a woman that is in the house all day with no obvious motive or end goal. At least pump fake us into thinking you are doing something productive!


4. 
   
   Be Honest and Open - Ladies, there is no shame in admitting when you lack a skill set. We all have our opportunities for improvement. But do not, I repeat, do not refuse to even try. Your man probably played organized sports when he was younger and believe me, the nigga that everybody hated on the team was the one that made excuses! Let the obscure become an opportunity, he will defintiely appreciate the efforts of you learning something new, even if you don’t perfect it


5. 
   
   Perfect the Grilled Cheese Sammich (CRITICAL POINT) - Ladies, this might be the most important point I give you. There is something about the way a man’s momma makes a grilled cheese sandwich that conjures up more nostalgic memories than Christmas or his first beat (welllll maybe not the latter but you get my point, lol). You whip up a bomb grilled cheese at 2am after rigorous “team work” and he will love you for life!


6. 
   
   AND FINALLY...Stand By Your Man- I don’t even like country music but Tammy Wynette laid it down with this one. This point almost seems obvious but lets break this one down so it can forever and consistently be broke (don’t know that line, step your movie game up). At the end of the day loyalty is one of the most sacred pacts in the modern world. Its what had the Bulls winning championships in the 90’s, it lifted Berkshire Hathaway to fortune, and it has kept your grandparents together for 50 years even though they claim not to like each other. A good man will always remember someone who was loyal to him, even if ya’ll aren’t together anymore and he will respect you for it. So ladies, when your girlfriends are trash talking their dudes or cursing to the high heavens about “niggas aint shit!”…kindly excuse yourself from the conversation…and then go whip up that grilled cheese :-)

-The Artist

Self-Help for the Sensible Woman to the Scallywag, Vol. I -Participation

Let me begin by saying, I don't consider myself a relationship expert by any means. However, I am quite intriuged with the male/female dynamic and my observations are usually spot on. I'm starting this series to spark open dialogue between the sexes and to give the sensible woman something to think about and to provide the scallywag with some hope. Expect contributions from my friend, The Artist, b/c great minds think alike...I digress.

It's not that men don't enjoy spending "Quality Time" with a woman, but what it truly boils down to is, what activities does she classify as said "QT"? All men can testify that they have been dragged to the mall with a woman and forced to answer some of the most asinine questions. Ex.

"How do you like this color?" -Woman
"It's straight. What's that, pink? -Man
"No. It's salmon." -Woman

"How do I look in this?" -Woman
"You look great! It's fits you perfectly" - Man
"Eh, I dont know. I feel fat. Do I look fat in this?" -Woman

See, The Presidnet feels me. First, God only provided men with the ability to see the colors ROY G BIV. Second, even though women know the answer to their own question before they ask us, we still PARTICIPATE. Men act as the mute sounding board for a woman's thoughts. Brethren, half the time your answer doesn't even matter. She just doesn't want to feel like she's talking to herself. We do it b/c we care though...or possibly for the cakes, either way it comes from a good place. The disconnect comes when its time to do what WE want to do. Dun, dun, dun... Ex.

*searching guide*"The game's on. Yessir"-Man
* aggravated grunt* "No! My show is on." -Woman
*supressing snide remark* "What show would that be?" -Man
*smirking* "Top Model (or Project Runway, etc. etc. etc.) -Woman

"You want a beer?" -Man
"Eww. I dont drink that. " -Woman
"What do you want?" -Man
Do you have any wine?" -Woman

[Aside: If your knowledge of wine only goes as far as knowing if it's "White or Red", STFU and drink the damn beer. ]

Do yourself a favor and don't be close minded. Nothing is more unattactive than a woman who doesn't like something she has never tried. It would be in your best interest to PARTICIPATE when a man asks you to do something. Because if you dont, someone else will.

"You tryna hop on these sticks and play (insert video game title)? -Man

"Sure! How do I play?" -Woman

"You want a beer while I'm up?" -Man

"Yes. Thank you" -Woman

"You want some of these wings?" -Man

"You got ranch?-Woman

"You tryna watch this game? -Man

"Yep! But we have to flip back and forth b/t the pro & college game" -Woman

It's to cool to want to dress like Sarah Jessica and live like Princess Diana (c) Drake, but be a man's homie in addition to being his chick and I PROMISE he'll appreciate it. All we want is a little PARTICIPATION. I mean, isn't it you women that always say, " it's the little things that matter"?

Got Values? A Job vs A Career - More of My Thoughts on Relationships

In my previous blog, I compared having a job vs. a career mindset concerning relationships. To expound upon my earlier points, I'd like to extend my metaphor even further. So now I offer a list of core principles that should be embodied in any real relationship, just as every corporation has core values that a career-minded employee should follow.

ARTICULATE –Disagreements happen and accepting that simple fact will aid in resolving problems expeditiously. Do not suppress your thoughts and feelings because you are apprehensive about a possible tiff or altercation. Numerous companies believe in 360° feedback. This provides employer and employee a chance to voice their respective opinions on what is going on. Feedback is not criticism, it's the truth. When you "fuck up" your boss does not want to fire you. However, he/she would like you to stop fucking up ASAP. As people, we have strengths and opportunities for improvement. Weakness implies that these characteristics cannot be changed and that they are permanent character flaws. Keep the communication lines open and let your mate know they can express their true feelings to you. The more proverbial "shit" you hold back is just more shit that will hit the fan one day. The truth hurts sometimes, but it shall set you free.

APPRECIATE-Contrary to popular belief no one, male or female, can read minds. So say "thank you"; it goes a long way. View the things your mate does for you and to you as perks. Take pleasure in giving pleasure. As long as the reciprocal nature is present in the both of you, ideally you won't have to worry about receiving the "non-love". There is a saying in the corporate world that goes, "You are rewarded for doing good work with more work". Similarly, in a relationship be careful about spoiling your mate if you have no intention of continuing to give so freely. It's natural that the more one gets, the more they expect. The more they expect, the less appreciative they become. The less appreciative they become, the more ungrateful they seem and perception is reality. When you become too comfortable, you may begin saying things that begin with "Why don't you…" and end with "like you used to". This is a sure sign that trouble is ahead.

DELEGATE/DICTATE-A woman wants you to lay down the law. Not in that Ike Turner, eatthecakeAnnaMae kind of way, but most women just want to ride shotgun and know you are the captain. She has no problem being the co-pilot and is completely capable of taking the reins; however she does enjoy having minimal responsibility. Leaders are always necessary. There is a chain of command at any establishment to keep the flow of information efficient. Even though the CFO operates at a higher level than an analyst, both roles are crucial for a corporation to operate at an optimal level. It's one thing to treat your women like your queen; it's another to treat her like the queen. Women have a tendency of saying things that might imply they want to make decisions…but they don't mean that. What they mean is, "Listen better, learn what I like, and you won't have to ask". Gentlemen, I know it's confusing but they speak a foreign language unbeknown to us and it's called 'Vagina'. (The search is still on for the 'Vagina' Rosetta Stone)

VENTILATE-Men & women love the chase. More so, don't be fooled into thinking that the chase is over once you're in a relationship. So even if it seems that your mate can't get enough of you, WAKE UP! © School Daze…because you're dreaming. Everyone needs some "me" time. Equally, the most diligent and focused individual needs a work/life balance. You don't want to be engulfed in your career and have no substance outside of the office. Be sure to take a break as you're climbing that corporate ladder. Career or relationship, you have to let it breathe! Step back so you can approach it with a fresh perspective. Anything in excess is detrimental to your health, so be easy.

Got Benefits? A Job vs A Career - My Thoughts on Relationships

I’m an advocate for truth so let’s be real, relationships are like employment. There is a vacant spot in your life that needs to be filled and you search for the best candidate whose skill set meets your requirements. Regardless if you are accepting applications or applying for a position, there are two types of employment: a job and a career. The determining factor behind whether you want a job or a career is the dedication and sacrifice you are willing to exhibit in your work.

The “job” mentality in a relationship is: what can you do for me? This type of relationship is bound to be short lived because it has no substance, just like a dead end job. You don’t respect your employer (mate) and little do they know, you are applying for new positions everyday (on the prowl for a new playmate). This job (relationship) isn’t anything extraordinary; it’s just something (someone) to do in the interim. You show up late and leave early. Pretty soon, even the weekly consolation of a check doesn’t outweigh the monotony of it all. Similarly, the carnal pleasures of life won’t sustain a real relationship and you’re back where you started, accepting applications.

Then there’s the “career” frame of mind. The key distinction between a job and a career is longevity. Just as you ascend the corporate ladder rung by rung, a healthy relationship goes through stages as you work towards the final plateau of a serious commitment.

In the article, A Job Vs. A Career: Deciding What You Really Need, Cynthia McMahon says that a career, “provides opportunities for advancement, allows you to challenge yourself and nurture your personal growth, and provides intrinsic satisfaction with what you do”. The same can be said for a real relationship. As you grow with your mate, you become more aware of your character flaws which can reveal themselves at the most inopportune moments. Self actualization is the intrinsic growth of what is already in you. Challenge yourself to change, not for your mate, but for you. Realize that becoming a better person will lend itself to all your different positions in life. Improving yourself will advance your status at work and in your relationship.

Another essential aspect of healthy relationship is the concept of being invaluable. There are numerous goals that need to be met in your employer’s corporation (your mate’s life). To establish yourself in the corporation, you must demonstrate a passion that no one can imitate or challenge because otherwise, you’re dispensable. A relationship (career) is a commitment to a goal. You will have bad days and you will face challenges, but nothing in this world worth having is easy to maintain. When it comes to reaching an objective, don’t manage the metric, manage the process. Stay on your career (relationship) path and expect the inevitable obstructions. Just have the stick-to-itiveness to work through your issues. Having a real relationship (career) requires some overtime every now and then.